Hm... Okay.

Fall Out Boy: "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

You know, if you asked me during that 1-2 month "single, just dating around and hooking up" phase of my life during senior year whether or not I'd ever become one of those crazy, paranoid girlfriends - who sometimes contemplates doing some of the most fucked up things in order to make herself at peace for all of 5 minutes? I'd have laughed in your face and said exactly "fuck no" and then laughed some more...

But I have become the culmination of everything I never wanted to be...
And if me from that "phase" saw the fatter, more pathetic, paranoid me of today... I'd probably give myself a good beating. It just really makes me sad... I suppose that's why I'm randomly depressed.

On top of it, I just... I don't know.
I laid in Ry's bed today staring at his computer before I fell asleep for a small nap and remember wishing I had a baseball bat. It's a bad thought... I know, but I can't help it. That makes me sad too.

My fatness makes me sad also. I've really let myself go... Physically and mentally.

We got lunch at a diner today and I remember thinking to myself... that I'm better than losing my education and becoming a waitress or something. I DESERVE all of the best, expensive things. I'm BETTER than a lot of other people. I might not be the smartest, but I am my mother and father's daughter and because of that? I DESERVE nothing BUT the best. So I'm sorry if this offends you Ryan (when you get around to reading this) but you know what? I AM better than all of your ex's regardless of what anyone thinks - even you or even me. If you think differently, then we need to have a talk. Because I've finally realized, that I AM the best. And deep in my heart to the bottom of my soul, I believe you should KNOW this too. You are dating the best.

Now that I've remembered and accepted this? I just need to PROVE it. And fuck everyone else. I will prove it.

If there's one thing my mother has taught me is that I am her daughter. She doesn't settle for second rate and neither should I. I'm a Cho. No one can change that.

Here's to a new beginning.

(Okay. So even after typing this - and yes, that IS how I truely feel - I'm still depressed in like seconds away from bawling my eyes out and wanting to like - run away forever and ever or something.)

btw: thx to sung ~ Nanny McPhee is such a cute movie. :)

Hm...

Times are tough, things get difficult...

But we'll always make it through them... with compromise.
And if not, at least we can say we tried our hardest, right?


Still can't believe that maybe - just maybe... one day... I'm gonna marry you and wake up to your green eyes each and every morning of my life. :) It's a good maybe. Life goes on... let's see where it goes tomorrow. ^_^

This post is in good thoughts of you tonight, Ry~
Unlike many, many before it that have been deleted or edited or saved as drafts...
This post is in loving thoughts of all the good times we've shared and all the joy you've brought to my life. This post in for all of the laughs and giggles and cuddles we share together...
I love you.

(bet i had you fooled in those IM's huh? hehehehe...)
Love you babeness!
You're such my hottie~ :)

Lyrics for this evening...

[Insert select parts of song:
Kelly Clarkson - Because of You]

HAAAR. I have a personal, handwritten journal for a reason... =P

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

blargh~

last post is deleeettteeeddd....
cuz you all don't need to reeeaaaad itttt...

blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...

we'll just say that i'm in one of those "remembering things that have ticked me off/made me cry and i've held a grudge against with repressed emotions" kinda moods once again and i don't know why~ but it's a mood i'm in.

so i wouldn't really bother me if i were you.

stolen from mary's xanga

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
And how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "That's HER."

well...

maybe i'm being rash...
we'll see...

i think i'm gonna get some air.
here's to a better tomorrow.

btw: koop- good journal... :) you make me envy you sometimes.

For my Jester---

Haena is kissing Ryan's cheek! (7/23/05)
You see that monkey in the back? Oh yeah. I bought that monkey for him... with a voice recording too! :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Well baby, here's to you and me...

Lately and especially last night, I laid in bed contemplating our lives. I realized how I don't "look forward" to our Saturdays like I used to - where I'd jump around and wake up at the crack of dawn in excitement... and just all of the stuff we shared a year ago. Today, I felt everything I missed while I lied in your arms and it was amazing. More than words... and I felt an incredible rush flow into my heart (if ya didn't notice, I teared up a bit... good tearing up though!) And even though I push and push you about the small things - I realize that I should be pushing myself more and pushing you less about them... cuz I've stopped being goofy-sappy and everything too. And I'm sorry.

I want to thank you for our times together and for all the times to come. This? All of this right here is long overdue.

I've had an odd and difficult year... from readjusting to being away from home, to fighting more intensely with my parents than ever before, to finding someone I would defend the entire existance of my life with... It's been hard. And I really do miss a lot of stuff from the beginning of our relationship... Being able to see you like 3 times a week cuz you'd drive down everytime I asked you to (hehe)... and all the things that felt "new"... How neither of us really clashed with stuff... and how the smallest things were just huge. I guess that's why they call it the honeymoon phase. :) Regardless...

You have stuck by me through more than you can imagine. I have never been more blessed in my life to have found that someone like you loves someone like me.

16+ Months down, you still make me laugh in a way that I never knew I could laugh... and you make me feel something I never knew could be felt... and though it's not the best thing, you make me worry and think about stuff that I never thought I'd find fear to worry about. You remain the strongest part of my life and the best for that matter... you remain to be the best part/s of my week each week. I am me with you because you just plain do that to me. You bring out a sillier side, a more comfortable side, a more realistic side, a goofier side... you bring out the better things about me.

And to this day, I feel safest only when you're around and I can depend on having your arms around me.

Your smile, the way your awesome green sparkley eyes do that little sparkely thing when you laugh and especially the way you "meow" make me happier.

Regardless of the fights and the more difficult times, I still love you with every inch of my heart, body, mind and soul... And will continue to do so till the end of my days.

Cuz you're my boyfriend, my best friend, my shmooper, my lover (oh, lala), my tennis teacher, my dream come true, my reality and life, the best part about me, the yang to my yin (necklace hehe), my everything and especially my future. I'm gonna marry you one day and make you the happiest hubby ever...

It's all you babe. You rock. :) And I love you so, so much. Yes - I really do... I really, really do - and I promise.

Here's to you and me... oh, and for everything...
Thank you for the better memories. I'm sorry for the not so great memories and especially for not having been the better girlfriend and also because this little "blog-letter" is long over due. I love you for every single thing you mean to me and are to me. You remain and will always, ALWAYS be - my one and only love.

Faithfully... Sincerely... Honestly... Truely... Forever...
Your panda, Haena-Bear.

P.S.~
Thank you for teaching me how to play tennis today.
For the junkfood too.
And for the wonderful day we spent together. :)
I love you... :)