Oy.

What a rough night.

Difficult things said and admitted. Difficult air to breathe in for the rest of the weekend until I can escape.

Hey, Ryan - guess we got what we had joked about today, just a little too extreme. I have a reason to want to go back to the dorm now.

I know I've screwed up and I am sincerely sorry for all of the fucked up things I've done. And though, yes, I understand why you're upset and I also understand the part that I screwed up on... there's also a whole other side that I don't understand and wished you understood. But I'm not even going to bother or make the effort to go into that.

However, it has been made clear that I will be watched upon - but that essentially means that nothing I've done for the past months since the other parental 'earthquake' changes. I've made changes and have been a lot better. And once again, it has been made extremely clear that NO. I will NOT break up or give up Ryan. He is a decision that I have made whole heartedly and he is the only motivation I have, the only joy I find myself knowing, and the only certainty that I feel.

I said and typed it before. I say and type it now. I will say and type it again and again if necessary. I won't give Ryan up for anyone but either of us. I believe in US too strongly than to give up now or ever - without reason that directly involves either myself or Ryan. He's the only thing I believe in anymore; and in that sense, he is my faith.

I'm sorry if that hurts you but you'll need to figure it out and realize it at some point.