When you're sick
Warning: Self-necessary rant about random stuff, mainly just sad rambling to get off my head. Don't need to necessarily read.
Being sick gives you a lot of clear time to think. You lay in bed a lot, sometimes watching a movie. If you're me, you usually have a migrane that could rock the richter scale so bright lights from a TV screen or computer hurt your eyes. And usually, people say that when you don't have much to do, time goes slower. When I'm sick, lying in bed - not able to sleep much, I get a lot of time to myself and time goes by quickly.
I haven't been this sick in such a long time.
I laid in bed last night with a migrane and an inflammed tonsil restricting my breathing, hurting my eyes and ears and just making my entire head feel like nuclear warfare broke loose. I laid in bed last night with cold sweats and shivers trying to scream but couldn't because of the tonsil issue. I found myself laughing... ironically, at myself. And you know I haven't been so sick in such a while due to the fact that it got so unbearable that I laid in bed begging God to kill me. I really did. I just laid there crying asking God to just kill me. As for tonight, after all the numerous, wonderous drugs I've taken this evening - my tonsil is numb and my head throbs less. Still sick. Breathing is restricted because of the massive tonsil I have.
I find myself not wanting to eat. Not really hungry. No real motive. Hurts to swallow. I find myself less compelled to do much of anything short of lay in bed wanting to sleep... just sleep for a really, really long time. But I'll watch a movie or so most of the time. I cry everytime a romance movie comes on. They make me feel really sad, to the point where I just curl up and cry.
I cry a lot when I'm sick. And yeah, I often feel so sad. Mainly for reasons mentioned previously. Other, unspoken/written reasons. Most... no, all... people, regardless of who they are, will point out all of the bad things that make you sad, and usually, they'll say things that put the blame on yourself without realizing that those things hurt you a lot more; that is, instead of trying to make you feel better. Or they'll try once or twice but won't pull through cuz they're just not trying or deep down don't really care too much.
People really don't care though and I think that's what really just sucks. No matter who they are... That's why I like that quote. People are just businesses.
I really don't look forward to going back to school. Something about it feels like it's going to hurt.
I kind of want to run away somewhere and start new. Get myself a broken down apartment somewhere with a bunch of books and a pet dog and a radio and a job at a restaurant to occupy my days. Kind of get away and not have to worry about whether or not I'm happy, just that I'm content... and not have to worry about whether or not something I say or don't say is making another person happy or sad... and not have to feel love, hate or fear. Take care of myself and my dog and radio and work. Perhaps in an ideal world within an ideal lifetime. Today, things aren't that simple. I'm not that simple.
Yeah. I'm feeling sad again.
I don't think I take back anything I said prior to this little blog. hm...
I need sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning or maybe I'll get sick again. lol, that's how the first bit of illness came on isn't it? Went to bed crying profusely. Woke up with a stuffy nose, puffy eyes, killer tonsils and nausea. Then got sick. I hope I don't get more sick. I have a friend to say goodbye to this week and sick + emotional issues = bad.
Sleepy time.
Being sick gives you a lot of clear time to think. You lay in bed a lot, sometimes watching a movie. If you're me, you usually have a migrane that could rock the richter scale so bright lights from a TV screen or computer hurt your eyes. And usually, people say that when you don't have much to do, time goes slower. When I'm sick, lying in bed - not able to sleep much, I get a lot of time to myself and time goes by quickly.
I haven't been this sick in such a long time.
I laid in bed last night with a migrane and an inflammed tonsil restricting my breathing, hurting my eyes and ears and just making my entire head feel like nuclear warfare broke loose. I laid in bed last night with cold sweats and shivers trying to scream but couldn't because of the tonsil issue. I found myself laughing... ironically, at myself. And you know I haven't been so sick in such a while due to the fact that it got so unbearable that I laid in bed begging God to kill me. I really did. I just laid there crying asking God to just kill me. As for tonight, after all the numerous, wonderous drugs I've taken this evening - my tonsil is numb and my head throbs less. Still sick. Breathing is restricted because of the massive tonsil I have.
I find myself not wanting to eat. Not really hungry. No real motive. Hurts to swallow. I find myself less compelled to do much of anything short of lay in bed wanting to sleep... just sleep for a really, really long time. But I'll watch a movie or so most of the time. I cry everytime a romance movie comes on. They make me feel really sad, to the point where I just curl up and cry.
I cry a lot when I'm sick. And yeah, I often feel so sad. Mainly for reasons mentioned previously. Other, unspoken/written reasons. Most... no, all... people, regardless of who they are, will point out all of the bad things that make you sad, and usually, they'll say things that put the blame on yourself without realizing that those things hurt you a lot more; that is, instead of trying to make you feel better. Or they'll try once or twice but won't pull through cuz they're just not trying or deep down don't really care too much.
People really don't care though and I think that's what really just sucks. No matter who they are... That's why I like that quote. People are just businesses.
I really don't look forward to going back to school. Something about it feels like it's going to hurt.
I kind of want to run away somewhere and start new. Get myself a broken down apartment somewhere with a bunch of books and a pet dog and a radio and a job at a restaurant to occupy my days. Kind of get away and not have to worry about whether or not I'm happy, just that I'm content... and not have to worry about whether or not something I say or don't say is making another person happy or sad... and not have to feel love, hate or fear. Take care of myself and my dog and radio and work. Perhaps in an ideal world within an ideal lifetime. Today, things aren't that simple. I'm not that simple.
Yeah. I'm feeling sad again.
I don't think I take back anything I said prior to this little blog. hm...
I need sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning or maybe I'll get sick again. lol, that's how the first bit of illness came on isn't it? Went to bed crying profusely. Woke up with a stuffy nose, puffy eyes, killer tonsils and nausea. Then got sick. I hope I don't get more sick. I have a friend to say goodbye to this week and sick + emotional issues = bad.
Sleepy time.
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