Explanation
Yes. My birthday is coming up. Yes. I have a boyfriend and Valentine's Day is coming up.
No. I am not jumping around in excitement and fun anticipation.
I've been disappointed just way too many times on both occassions for me to even bother looking forward to anything anymore. Birthdays and Valentine's - I have always, always spent alone with 75% of everyone who knew forgetting (family included). Deep down, everyone wants the acknowledgement, fun times, presents, to be with the people they love and enjoy on their birthday; Deep down, a LOT of people want to feel all lovey and special on Valentine's - Deep down, I still do (for both) - but a lifetime of disappointments don't fare well on a child. I'm essentially 19 but I'm still a child. I bleed like one. I have that blind hope as one does. I have that pure, yet ever so naive faith as one does. I cry like one does. I bitch and moan like one does.
I've had enough of people I trusted forgetting or disregarding; enough broken promises; enough of the calls at 1am after I spent the night crying having to hear that a certain someone's in jail or in court; enough of the feeling of jealously when I see other people or sit through their bouncy-happy stories; enough of the excuses having to be said about how they have other things to tend to; enough apologies for not being there; enough of just everything.
It's absolutely obvious that I don't trust ANYONE at all like I once did because everyone broke that trust at some point and I'm being quite reluctant in letting it grow back. I quite frankly don't want to hear it.
Essentially, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'd be able to deal with anymore disappointment than what I've come to face already - which is essentially, an utter fucking lifetime of absolute fucking bullshit. Apart from my parents and brother, no one was there. (Excluding last year, Friday's with Meag & Mary) At this point, I'd like to go off on a tangent and say a few words to my 3 of my ex's. 1.J - Thanks for showing me that not having your (now ex)boyfriend there for you on your birthday and valentine's day isn't nearly as bad as having to find out that he was out cheating on you during them. 2.M- Thanks for showing me that I could fall asleep crying on both occassions and wake up having to deal with random people calling my phone letting me know that my (now ex)boyfriend lied to me about his "social drinking" and was consequently in jail. 3.S - Thanks for making me lose all faith in the sincerity of the male gender when it comes to acknowledgement of both occassions and then making me feel like the lowest form of shit when I made it known that I had wished for such acknowledgement. Back on topic here... There were a few things I hoped to have for either occassion, but it's clear I won't get them and that in and of itself is enough for me this year.
Alas, ex's are not my only reason of such passionate hate for birthdays and valentine's. I have reasons regarding events in my life, family, friends and "friends". But I don't think I can even bother to open those boxes up. I'm already buggin out after remembering the previously mentioned memories.
Thus being, my request for the next week is to just let me be moody and quiet and reflective upon myself and on the days of both occassions, just please to dear God leave me alone on those days. No calls; no IMs; no visitations. I'll be going to and from class, do some classwork and plan to spend an ONSCENE amount of time sleeping. I'll be fine. I'm fine right now. Just moodier, a little more "rushed". I like to do extra work and keep myself occupied. But that's my request.
Thanks for understanding, and if you don't understand - then thanks for abiding by the requests.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On to other subjects...
I'm getting a haircut. I dunno how or what kind or how short... But I'm going to cut my hair. I almost did it myself before I dried my hair but decided against it.
I need to goto the health center sometime this week. I really need to. GAH!
I forgot all the non-bitching stuff I was going to write. lol- CRAP.
No. I am not jumping around in excitement and fun anticipation.
I've been disappointed just way too many times on both occassions for me to even bother looking forward to anything anymore. Birthdays and Valentine's - I have always, always spent alone with 75% of everyone who knew forgetting (family included). Deep down, everyone wants the acknowledgement, fun times, presents, to be with the people they love and enjoy on their birthday; Deep down, a LOT of people want to feel all lovey and special on Valentine's - Deep down, I still do (for both) - but a lifetime of disappointments don't fare well on a child. I'm essentially 19 but I'm still a child. I bleed like one. I have that blind hope as one does. I have that pure, yet ever so naive faith as one does. I cry like one does. I bitch and moan like one does.
I've had enough of people I trusted forgetting or disregarding; enough broken promises; enough of the calls at 1am after I spent the night crying having to hear that a certain someone's in jail or in court; enough of the feeling of jealously when I see other people or sit through their bouncy-happy stories; enough of the excuses having to be said about how they have other things to tend to; enough apologies for not being there; enough of just everything.
It's absolutely obvious that I don't trust ANYONE at all like I once did because everyone broke that trust at some point and I'm being quite reluctant in letting it grow back. I quite frankly don't want to hear it.
Essentially, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'd be able to deal with anymore disappointment than what I've come to face already - which is essentially, an utter fucking lifetime of absolute fucking bullshit. Apart from my parents and brother, no one was there. (Excluding last year, Friday's with Meag & Mary) At this point, I'd like to go off on a tangent and say a few words to my 3 of my ex's. 1.J - Thanks for showing me that not having your (now ex)boyfriend there for you on your birthday and valentine's day isn't nearly as bad as having to find out that he was out cheating on you during them. 2.M- Thanks for showing me that I could fall asleep crying on both occassions and wake up having to deal with random people calling my phone letting me know that my (now ex)boyfriend lied to me about his "social drinking" and was consequently in jail. 3.S - Thanks for making me lose all faith in the sincerity of the male gender when it comes to acknowledgement of both occassions and then making me feel like the lowest form of shit when I made it known that I had wished for such acknowledgement. Back on topic here... There were a few things I hoped to have for either occassion, but it's clear I won't get them and that in and of itself is enough for me this year.
Alas, ex's are not my only reason of such passionate hate for birthdays and valentine's. I have reasons regarding events in my life, family, friends and "friends". But I don't think I can even bother to open those boxes up. I'm already buggin out after remembering the previously mentioned memories.
Thus being, my request for the next week is to just let me be moody and quiet and reflective upon myself and on the days of both occassions, just please to dear God leave me alone on those days. No calls; no IMs; no visitations. I'll be going to and from class, do some classwork and plan to spend an ONSCENE amount of time sleeping. I'll be fine. I'm fine right now. Just moodier, a little more "rushed". I like to do extra work and keep myself occupied. But that's my request.
Thanks for understanding, and if you don't understand - then thanks for abiding by the requests.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
On to other subjects...
I'm getting a haircut. I dunno how or what kind or how short... But I'm going to cut my hair. I almost did it myself before I dried my hair but decided against it.
I need to goto the health center sometime this week. I really need to. GAH!
I forgot all the non-bitching stuff I was going to write. lol- CRAP.
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