choTox

Hm... Okay.

2006-02-25T01:20:00.000-05:00

Fall Out Boy: "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

You know, if you asked me during that 1-2 month "single, just dating around and hooking up" phase of my life during senior year whether or not I'd ever become one of those crazy, paranoid girlfriends - who sometimes contemplates doing some of the most fucked up things in order to make herself at peace for all of 5 minutes? I'd have laughed in your face and said exactly "fuck no" and then laughed some more...

But I have become the culmination of everything I never wanted to be...
And if me from that "phase" saw the fatter, more pathetic, paranoid me of today... I'd probably give myself a good beating. It just really makes me sad... I suppose that's why I'm randomly depressed.

On top of it, I just... I don't know.
I laid in Ry's bed today staring at his computer before I fell asleep for a small nap and remember wishing I had a baseball bat. It's a bad thought... I know, but I can't help it. That makes me sad too.

My fatness makes me sad also. I've really let myself go... Physically and mentally.

We got lunch at a diner today and I remember thinking to myself... that I'm better than losing my education and becoming a waitress or something. I DESERVE all of the best, expensive things. I'm BETTER than a lot of other people. I might not be the smartest, but I am my mother and father's daughter and because of that? I DESERVE nothing BUT the best. So I'm sorry if this offends you Ryan (when you get around to reading this) but you know what? I AM better than all of your ex's regardless of what anyone thinks - even you or even me. If you think differently, then we need to have a talk. Because I've finally realized, that I AM the best. And deep in my heart to the bottom of my soul, I believe you should KNOW this too. You are dating the best.

Now that I've remembered and accepted this? I just need to PROVE it. And fuck everyone else. I will prove it.

If there's one thing my mother has taught me is that I am her daughter. She doesn't settle for second rate and neither should I. I'm a Cho. No one can change that.

Here's to a new beginning.

(Okay. So even after typing this - and yes, that IS how I truely feel - I'm still depressed in like seconds away from bawling my eyes out and wanting to like - run away forever and ever or something.)

btw: thx to sung ~ Nanny McPhee is such a cute movie. :)

Hm...

2006-02-02T03:53:00.000-05:00

Times are tough, things get difficult...

But we'll always make it through them... with compromise.
And if not, at least we can say we tried our hardest, right?

Still can't believe that maybe - just maybe... one day... I'm gonna marry you and wake up to your green eyes each and every morning of my life. :) It's a good maybe. Life goes on... let's see where it goes tomorrow. ^_^

This post is in good thoughts of you tonight, Ry~
Unlike many, many before it that have been deleted or edited or saved as drafts...
This post is in loving thoughts of all the good times we've shared and all the joy you've brought to my life. This post in for all of the laughs and giggles and cuddles we share together...
I love you.

(bet i had you fooled in those IM's huh? hehehehe...)
Love you babeness!
You're such my hottie~ :)

Lyrics for this evening...

2006-01-17T23:40:00.000-05:00

[Insert select parts of song:
Kelly Clarkson - Because of You]

HAAAR. I have a personal, handwritten journal for a reason... =P

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT.

blargh~

2005-12-28T02:33:00.000-05:00

last post is deleeettteeeddd....
cuz you all don't need to reeeaaaad itttt...

blah blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh...

we'll just say that i'm in one of those "remembering things that have ticked me off/made me cry and i've held a grudge against with repressed emotions" kinda moods once again and i don't know why~ but it's a mood i'm in.

so i wouldn't really bother me if i were you.

stolen from mary's xanga

2005-08-15T23:22:00.000-04:00

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
Who calls you back when you hang up on him,
Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
Who holds your hand in front of his friends.
Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
And how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "That's HER."

well...

2005-08-02T23:40:00.000-04:00

maybe i'm being rash...
we'll see...

i think i'm gonna get some air.
here's to a better tomorrow.

btw: koop- good journal... :) you make me envy you sometimes.

For my Jester---

2005-07-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

Haena is kissing Ryan's cheek! (7/23/05)
You see that monkey in the back? Oh yeah. I bought that monkey for him... with a voice recording too! :)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Well baby, here's to you and me...

Lately and especially last night, I laid in bed contemplating our lives. I realized how I don't "look forward" to our Saturdays like I used to - where I'd jump around and wake up at the crack of dawn in excitement... and just all of the stuff we shared a year ago. Today, I felt everything I missed while I lied in your arms and it was amazing. More than words... and I felt an incredible rush flow into my heart (if ya didn't notice, I teared up a bit... good tearing up though!) And even though I push and push you about the small things - I realize that I should be pushing myself more and pushing you less about them... cuz I've stopped being goofy-sappy and everything too. And I'm sorry.

I want to thank you for our times together and for all the times to come. This? All of this right here is long overdue.

I've had an odd and difficult year... from readjusting to being away from home, to fighting more intensely with my parents than ever before, to finding someone I would defend the entire existance of my life with... It's been hard. And I really do miss a lot of stuff from the beginning of our relationship... Being able to see you like 3 times a week cuz you'd drive down everytime I asked you to (hehe)... and all the things that felt "new"... How neither of us really clashed with stuff... and how the smallest things were just huge. I guess that's why they call it the honeymoon phase. :) Regardless...

You have stuck by me through more than you can imagine. I have never been more blessed in my life to have found that someone like you loves someone like me.

16+ Months down, you still make me laugh in a way that I never knew I could laugh... and you make me feel something I never knew could be felt... and though it's not the best thing, you make me worry and think about stuff that I never thought I'd find fear to worry about. You remain the strongest part of my life and the best for that matter... you remain to be the best part/s of my week each week. I am me with you because you just plain do that to me. You bring out a sillier side, a more comfortable side, a more realistic side, a goofier side... you bring out the better things about me.

And to this day, I feel safest only when you're around and I can depend on having your arms around me.

Your smile, the way your awesome green sparkley eyes do that little sparkely thing when you laugh and especially the way you "meow" make me happier.

Regardless of the fights and the more difficult times, I still love you with every inch of my heart, body, mind and soul... And will continue to do so till the end of my days.

Cuz you're my boyfriend, my best friend, my shmooper, my lover (oh, lala), my tennis teacher, my dream come true, my reality and life, the best part about me, the yang to my yin (necklace hehe), my everything and especially my future. I'm gonna marry you one day and make you the happiest hubby ever...

It's all you babe. You rock. :) And I love you so, so much. Yes - I really do... I really, really do - and I promise.

Here's to you and me... oh, and for everything...
Thank you for the better memories. I'm sorry for the not so great memories and especially for not having been the better girlfriend and also because this little "blog-letter" is long over due. I love you for every single thing you mean to me and are to me. You remain and will always, ALWAYS be - my one and only love.

Faithfully... Sincerely... Honestly... Truely... Forever...
Your panda, Haena-Bear.

P.S.~
Thank you for teaching me how to play tennis today.
For the junkfood too.
And for the wonderful day we spent together. :)
I love you... :)

"A Beautiful Mind" Movie

2005-07-04T23:43:00.000-04:00

Movie Rec.~ A Beautiful Mind(not the newest movie, I know... I'm slow to catch on)

For: the intellectuals or those who like contemplative biographies

My own reason: The scene where John Nash is at his most weakest point sitting on his bed and his wife is kneeling in front of him. He stares at her with all of his mercy and weakness pouring out at her, showing her his utter dependence of her... Weakness and dependency are the strongest gifts to give in a relationship. They show how deeply necessary that other person is. Some people don't or can't express such weakness or dependency like the movie portrayed but that scene was a tear jerker for me. Russell Crowe is the man in the scene. The scene made my heart pour out. Good stuff.

Hello life. Where have you been?

2005-06-24T00:04:00.000-04:00

If you open your hands and let a bird free from your embrace, would all the love, time and effort you had put into caring for that bird be enough for the bird to fly back into your hands?

Questions, questions... things I wish I knew yet answers I'm afraid I may hear...

A certain magic that has gone away forcing me to wonder and think about my place and myself...
... it forces me to wonder what differentiates between what I "think" will make me happy and what, deep down, I "know" will make me happy... in the long run. Then I wonder the same, replacing "me" and "I" with "him" and "he".

I have a lot of thinking to do. And a lot of searching... and I think I'm going to need to figure out and find out some things before I move ahead any further.

My life has been busy this summer. I work. I sleep. I spend time with my boyfriend. I aid in taking care of the house. Rinse, then Repeat. Use once a day for best results! :)

So I do apologize to my friends for not having kept in touch as frequently as I had hoped... I do hope that you all are enjoying your summers to the fullest.

So, apart from all of this... it is time for me to sleep because I have work tomorrow! Good night.

hm.

2005-05-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

sdfjlskjflkjsalkjsalkdja;kljpOK
kfdjglkfdjsodj;
jfd;gi0wi[k;lak;k'K'K;LJGlfdjgkljfdlj
SKDJFLKSDJLKSNDG;DL
kjdjsdkjfgijsl

... thank you.

My sanity went on summer vacay to the Bahamas and left me work & summer classes in NJ..

2005-05-22T03:34:00.000-04:00

Nightmare. Woke up. lol, gonna write up some stuff while I roam online until I'm tired again. lol-

So...

My sincerest apologies to all my RU people for not being online and communicative as I'm sure several have hoped.

Work has been okay. The ladies I work for (Diane, Tina and Janet) are really nice and considerate so I can't ask for much more than that. The commute down to RU is a bitch though. Even worse is the commute back home during rush hour. Because I'm working from UMDNJ payroll over the summer, I had to get the mandatory TB test... which was pretty retarded. The PPD test is essentially, they inject my arm with the liquid so it makes like a little bubble. If I have TB, then the bubble becomes firm and looks like a bug bite. If I don't have TB, there should be no bubble/firmness on my arm. I actually had to goto my doctor's office in the AM and have him check and sign a paper saying I don't have TB... -.- I COULDA TOLD THEM THAT!! >.< Erf. At least I didn't have to pay for the measely injection. But it's dumb... and pointless. lol

The past 2 weeks have been pretty bad as far as my sleeping habits have gone and so, the drive to and from work has been tough. I keep having these nightmares. And because of these vivid and recurring nightmares, I was bugged out every now and then last weekend cuz I'd look over at him do like a wierded out blinky thing and have to come back to reality. And then for a little bit of time, I'd feel wierded and stuff.

Today, though, was nice and sweet and warm and cuddly. Didn't have any wierdness. I did end up mustering bad memories from like a year ago which bugs me a bit, but - whatever. lol- Stumbled across something about 15 minutes ago which was essentially something I would've very much preferred to have lived without. One of those things that, regardless of time frame, would get to me... especially since the timing of it's discovery is uncanny with my recent load of nightmares. lol- I can't do jack-crap about it and neither can he, so guess what? I'm not going to get bajiggity and upset about it and I'm definately not going to place blame on my boyfriend for something held in what I'm assuming is the far, far distant past. I mean, I kind of stared in disbelief and then because I'm me, I just kind of went... "errrr". Just one of those things that a person can do without having seen. It adds to the nightmares. lol- Nightmares, which I'm now positive I'll have again and in more detail, are what I need to realize are just nightmares. I have to take a few breaths, repress and deal with myself cuz I have worse things to piss and moan about. lol- I often wonder how others deal with me... cuz I have problems dealing with myself as we can all plainly see.

On the plus side, I'm slowly, yet steadily learning to shut the hell up and figuring out ways of dealing with things that get to me. But I guess stuff like that is just necessary for me to realize that my life and relationship aren't perfect or even remotely fairytale-like but that's how they have to be in order to be real. I guess the things that bug me out or upset me in the slightest bit are the questions that I realize I have to ask myself and Ryan and ultimately, get an answer to... And answers pending, I guess I have a few things that may or may not be said.

On a relative side note, it's officially my longest relationship thus far; Today marking the 1st day past the 14th month mark. Let the official paranoia and freaking out begin.

Alas, I have been having a quiet and simple, quite routine summer so far. Since I've been home, I've steadily been losing weight which I'm happy about. Apart from those nightmares, my mentality has been more at peace and quieted... though if you catch me during one of those drives to/from work or directly after, I'm more like hell in a handbasket. Of course, as per usual, I continuously look forward to my weekends with Ryan. Hopefully, over the summer, I can make a habit of seeing him twice a week about once a month or so, since I have the car for my use. And on those once a week times, every now and then I can drive up to him ~ that is, once my mom gets the insurance on her minivan.

Speaking of which... my mom got a minivan. lol, My dad got a conversion van. My brother still fails to drive. lol- And the Service Engine Soon light won't go away in my car but my cousin says my car is ok. Ehm... no. The NJ/NY Port Authority is in HUGE trouble with the NJ Turnpike on the day when my car ends up stranded in the middle of the turnpike... lol. They're gonna need to shell out a LOT of money to re-pave. lol...

On a final note, saw Revenge of the Sith with Ryan on Thursday. The theatre wasn't at all packed... it was suprisingly more scarce than I would've expected. The movie was good. I enjoyed it... but then again, I love Star Wars. =D Dialogue... eh. Lucas needs to work on that - but it was good. I liked it.

I'm just about ready to make that attempt at sleepin again. lol-
I hear birds chirping. lol- not good. haha...
Oy. Wanna know something pathetic? lol- It's 3.33am on Sunday morning, I just spent Saturday with Ryan - and I'm already missing him/craving next Saturday... Oof. It's going to be a long week.

long time no update

2005-05-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

that first one's a load of horse shit. lol- I trust EVERYONE as far as I can throw them... which isn't quite far... So the free-spirited type make me disgustingly paranoid and irritate me sometimes. The rest are pretty good.

[ haena cho is a freaking wuss. i just deleted the entirety of this post because i'm quite sure that the contents would get me in trouble... end me up in an argument... and i'm not willing to deal with that. SO. I'm gonna do what it is I'm so good at doing and repress... Nighty night! :) ]

la poema para mi amore

2005-04-15T20:27:00.000-04:00

People come and people go
But one thing that has always shown
That the one thing that keeps me strong
Is you; Your love keeps flowing on

Each week can feel like hell, no less
But when I get to hold and caress
My mind- it flies, my heart- it soars
Can't get enough; just want more

Each Saturday breathes in fresh air
To hold you, run fingers through your hair
Loko in your eyes, kiss your cheek
Makes me happy, knees go weak

Sit in class, I miss you so
Write poems, I doodle, how else to show?
In the end, all I want and need
Is to be in your arms, take your lead

No one else comes close nor compare
To the love I feel when I know you're there
You hold my heart, my life's embrace
An eternity with you, I'm glad to face

So draw me close, take me near
For you, I'll always, forever be here
Never a day for all of eternity
Will I fail to be yours - complete, true and faithfully.

[vigilante in love; 4/14/05]
... for my jester.

Overdue Update

2005-04-14T15:09:00.000-04:00

So.
Sadly, I have NO IDEA what I want to write.
I'm dealing with a massive jumble of emotions and thoughts - none of them particularly good.

I am, however, going to kind of hibernate and hermit in my room comfortably.
I'm tired of bullshit.
All the more time to try to get my ass in gear for one final push to get awesome grades on my final exams and kind of chill and spend a lot of time on the phone with the shmoopness.

I like this decision a lot.

Oh.
I got a job with UMDNJ for all of summer and for the school year.

See? An update.

2005-03-24T01:51:00.000-05:00

I hate the internet. And no, not my internet.
I'm not going to add anymore than this.

Okay.
I just wrote a paper that reflects how shitty I, personally, feel.
It's such a crappy paper.
I don't necessarily feel shitty. I feel very, odd. lol-
Not very happy, but not really upset.

OH WELL.

I'm very non-chalant.

So.
I need a job... and hobbies... and clubs...
I need to occupy my time more.
And a therapist. lol-

And, what else... humm...
Oh. More gym time.
I need to hit up the gym...

Okay. That's the update.
lol- I'm tired and I have to wake up early tomorrow.

But I'm gonna throw a question out that I was wondering... bitterly, mind you.
And it's not directed at necessarily everyone but I do have certain person/people in mind when I say it-
Why is it that I'm always the one having to "deal" or "change" or "conform" to certain things that may chronically bug me because of relatively valid reasons?
It really, REALLY fuckin bugs me.

Anniversary Pt 2

2005-03-22T01:15:00.000-05:00

Pick up... Off to Rockaway Townsquare. The mall where we met.

I set up a Cinnabon, Cinnastick, Steamed Apple Cider and Caramel Machiatto breakfast in the food court as close to the original table as I could since the original table was occupied. I also had his gifts all ready. He wore the same exact outfit; I wore the closest as I could come to the outfit cuz I can't find the tank and blouse I originally wore...

He came, opened his Music Pimp Tee-Shirt, Clerks X DVD, Binder and Number 1 Boyfriend Award. I had already given him his Memory Foam mattress pad 2 weeks prior. I still have his mix-CD in my spindle which I forgot to give to him... hehe

We ate our breakfasts and walked around the mall... did a wee bit of shopping... I got a pair of cargos, a teeshirt, a bra and a pretty hairclip. He got 2 teeshirts.

Did more walkin around. Spent some time on one of "our benches"... :)

After, we went to Borders Books & Music to browse through some stuff... I saw a really adorable relationship book that I might consider getting for me and Ry.

Then! It was off to Ryan's house for a quick 30 min - hour of cuddle time. We made our way to Chun Bo's (first restaurant) and we ate our foodish... I got different food than the first time cuz I was craving different food. hehe-

Went back to Ryan's house to do a little more cuddling, movie watchin... I got my gifts as well... :)

More pages for my binder and pictures... a personalized picture frame (hehe.. which i LOVE!)... I got an Easter/Spring themed Pooh Bear earlier that day @ the mall... He got me Flower from the Bambi movie... A Baby Panda... The Jersey Girl DVD... 2 Dozen GORGEOUS roses which are now drying in my room... and a beautiful vase to match (Thank you so much sweetie)

Now, for coincidences!
We both thought of spending the day at the mall...
Getting strawberries and chocolate dip was an idea we both ended up having but didn't go through
We both used the same concept for wrapping paper
As far as my favorite Bambi character, he just KNEW to get Flower... :)
lol - He was going to get me the same Anniversary card that I got him...
I was going to get him the same picture frame he got me...

lol... There were thought coincidences and other stuffs... it's baffling, amazing and endearing.

Afterwards, we spent the night cuddling and hugging and snuggling until it was time for me to get my butt back to the dorm... And so it was.

..... Personal thoughts of mine?
Our anniversary and all the love that just poured out from everywhere was something I really ... needed.

It feels like I felt a year ago when he and I just met.
Butterflies in the stomach... warm flowing gushiness in my tummy... not being able to wait to see him again... thinking about him more than every second of the day... craving to get a hug and a kiss... Being so incredibally in love with him...

I'm also pretty scared of the future... of maybe things not going as well as they've gone... about not knowing what to do if anything happened... Just things like that... The nightmare I had last night didn't help very much... And whenever I think about all of it, I get this lump in my throat and my eyes get watery and I don't feel so well anymore.

I don't know. =P Yeah. There's that bad feeling again...

But anyhoo...

It's been such an amazing anniversary; and I miss him so much right now...
I remember when we first started goin out, I'd see him like 3 times a week... we'd goto a mall or movie (occassionally) and then out to get food... All I had to do was ask. Now it's beg, plead, threaten to hold someone hostage or kill em... and still no game. BAH! lol-

Yeah. A year later, I still love him more than words could ever express... and he still makes me smile like a doofus and he's still the only one to make me giggle like a little kid... and he's the only one to make butterflies flip out in my stomach when he kisses me and when he holds me and cuddles with me... He makes me feel complete when he holds me and we're lying around and I'm lying on his arm and he's got his arms and legs around me... Some things about the 'beginning' of our relationship, I miss a lot. I wasn't as afraid then as I was now... which is ironic. Maybe I'll have to figure out how to make this work out... cuz I didn't fear anything then. I knew he was mine to hold and love and care for and never doubted that. Now, I'm scared a lot. heh - I dunno. Bleh. Tearin up. lol-

It's just been such a crazy year with him... Good and bad memories... Made us stronger, thicker, greater, sometimes weaker but usually not for long... but all the same, if I had to do it all over again - I'd change some things but not really.

What can I say?
I love him so much...
There are things I feel for him that I could never express in words...
There and things I hope to do with him and memories I hope to share with him...
There are so many thoughts and things I want to say and tell him and ask him but just haven't...

Head over heels in love with a certain Ryan French... God only knows how much.

lol... before I went to bed last night, well - not RIGHT before I went to sleep cuz I think I was thinking bad thoughts before I fell asleep explaining why I had such a HORRIBLE nightmare but hey, no one cares do they?... but I went through my entire binder again and it was like... I actually teared up a formidable amount. I really did. hehe... I'm a goober.

But yeah...
Our anniversary and just all the emotion he gave me...
For most of the day made me feel like I had nothing to be afraid of...
It was so warm and relieving and revitalizing... Like a breath of air was breathed back into my body.

Ryan French, I love you.
I really do... Like really really.

And I always will.
You've got my heart, mind, body, soul and every single living bit of me...
Faithfully, Honestly, Truthfully, Sincerely, Forever... I'm yours.

Goodnight everyone~

Anniversary

2005-03-21T00:20:00.000-05:00

It's been 1 year.
12 Months.
365 days.

With Ryan J. French.
Holy crap.

So you see... now I'm scared poopless pertaining to the direction of my relationship and everything about it... Yes. More so than before. Crazy and sad, ain't it?

I hope we'll last as long as I really deep down, hope we do.

... I'll write and reminisce about the day after class tomorrow...

But FYI~ It was absolutely amazing.

To my shmooper:
Thank you... for everything today and every day we've shared.

I seldom pray seriously...
when I do, it's for either of 3 things: Family health, Grades and anything to do with you...
Cuz I pray that we stick together like epoxy glue... No breaking; Just holding on strong no matter what gets tossed our way.

Here's to hopin for that....

... To be written more so later on... For now? Sleepy time.

Spring Break

2005-03-17T23:01:00.000-05:00

I definately needed a break from certain people @ RU.
You can tolerate a person for only certain amounts of time until you want to rip their heads off and feed their insides to animals with a rusty spoon. *insert grin here*

Spring break is boring. I think my body is so bored that all it wants to do is sleep because that's all I've been doing. SLEEP.

And of course, you know me - when I'm bored, I think. And me - doing this kind of thinking is bad. Especially when it's not even irrational thinking but rational bad thinking. lol - whatever. I'm not gonna divulge in depth about this stuff out of fear of reprecussions.

But anyhoo... my spring break has been relatively BORING. Blah.
I have Gmail. Yay? lol-
My friends cancelled plans on me.
I might go see Robots ... BY MYSELF. -.- tomorrow...
ehm...
Got all of Ryan's anniversary stuff done and whatnot
Did all my work for escuela
BORED.

lol-
I think I need to sleep and whatnot. Head hurts.

Strangely enough...
My thumb won't stop bleeding. I've been through like an entire box of bandaids cuz it just keeps POURING OUT!

ew.

A nice chunk of my thumb was cut almost off when I was cuttin avocado for california rolls this evening.

Apart from mass amounts of boredom, I'm pretty peachy. Just kinda wishin I had my nails all grown back... =/

They're *ALL short and nubbular. Left hand middle finger and pinky are uber-nubby cuz I bit em a bit. Right hand middle finger and ring finger are uber-nubby cuz I bit em a bit too.

Other than the finger issues and mass boredom...
I'm good. Kinda. lol-

Peace.

I think I'm dying...

2005-03-02T02:26:00.000-05:00

... Okay. No, not really. (insert dry laugh here)
I'm just sick with some kind of illness and I'm extremely tired. I've been studying straight through and didn't even notice the time.

OY! BEEN A WHILE SINCE AN UPDATE! I know... har!

So. Brief summary of my life?

Had to see 2 psychiatrists (1 nutritionist, 1 mental health lady-person) for a wee bit. Blah blah blah. Stopped.
Homicidal towards my roommate. Wait till I get a weapon and am PMSing and have had a bad day. WEE!
Cut my hair shoulder length and intend to cut it even shorter in due time.
Got my left cartilage pierced and may probably get another part of the left ear pierced as well or my right cartilage this coming Friday.
Relationship is rocky at times, but often fine.
Fuckin PRATIMA facebook'd me tonight - which is bizarre and just outlandishly AWESOME. Can't wait to talk to her.
Mom had her brain surgery - she is fine. Just bloaty, tired, a little achey and it makes me cry to see her in that kind of condition. Dad is okay - but sick as per usual which makes me sad.

I'm back on my less than 1200 calories per day diet - meaning yes, clinically - I am anorexic. FUCK YOU if you have an issue with it - why? For several reasons. A. I still wear a size 7-9 (pending on what brand). B. My boyfriend weighs LESS than 10 lbs. more than I do which irritates me beyond belief - and no I will not "change". C. I have low self esteem to begin with so eh - bite me.

Massive amounts of dorm-drama seems to be pouring in.
I realize how fleeting my friendships are and how undependable the new friendships I've made have become. I got ditched, duped and talked shit about my almost fucking everyone here - thanks for NOTHING.
I've got 2 HUGE fucking exams this week that I've barely studied for.

Ah. Yes. And I'm PLAGUED with utterly ridiculous and quite HORRIBLE nightmares.

Other than that, I'm fine - peachy - vunderbar - and all that good wholesome sugary stuff.

Upcoming?
Probably goto mall with my peoples and get something pierced this Friday. We'll see. Kinda broke at this present moment in time.
Voorhees Ball - I don't think I really want to go anymore... cuz I just fucking don't.
1st Anniversary with boyfriend - Sadly, I'm NOT excited because I don't want to be the only one excited about it. I see it like I see my birthday currently. It's just another day. (and no, I'm not mopey and sad about this.)
Spring Break - NOTHING TO DO. Why? No one wants to take time out to chill. No one wants to do didly squat. Friends from RP have school, moved or have been banned out of my life.
Summer Vacay - Going to watch Star Wars with my brother and dad and mom probably. Beans said she'd come up with some RU people to watch Willy Winka (Depp Style) and chill around North Jersey for a day.

That's about it for now, yes?
No. No one should take the tone of this entry as particularily negative - more so, nonchalant. I'm too tired to consider emotion or being upset - and NO. Even if I wasn't tired, I'd still be absolutely uncaring and nonchalant about my outlook on certain things. Sorry if I'm not the peppy little optimist at this point in time in my life. I'd like to be a neutralist for a while. Why? LESS DISAPPOINTMENT.

And final note? Sabrina (i know you'll see this at some point) - You made a good decision. You guys tried and it didn't work. You can't complete and work a relationship with someone you can't trust unless they work towards wanting to gain that trust back.
HAR. I'm a hypocrite. Don't worry about it. I usually don't take my own advice - it'll be the end of me, I know - but shut up and listen to me, k? lol-
All in all - do what makes you happiest... and healthiest. You get physically sick for a lot of stuff... it scares me. You need a stomach transplant - not mine though. Well, maybe. I could go without a stomach. :)

NIGHT!

Happy Ratification of the 25th Amendment!

2005-02-10T01:01:00.000-05:00

Yay for Presidential Succession Establishment!

- - - - - - - - -

I'm sick and admitting it quietly to myself.

And so...
Happy Ratification of the 25th Amendment for the Establishment of Presidential Succession.

It passes again with that same dark, rainy, lonely dissappointment as usual. Cept this time, I get to have blood pumped out of me to see why I'm bleeding from areas that no regular person should bleed from. Solve the problem to see why someone is bleeding by taking more blood from them. Yeah. That works.

Thank you - FOR NOTHING.

However - thanks for the call, Mom. And thanks for the money Mom, Dad, and Pooty.

Thanks for the 12am "Happy Ratification of the 25th Amendment" good wishes call Oppa. I never expected it and it was very well appreciated.

Update.

2005-02-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

Increasing annoyance/irritation/sadness ; but not really. I dunno. lol- Hard to explain that.

GAINING WEIGHT.
NOT - GOOD.

So I'm REALLY REALLY UBER distressed at that piece of info.

I'm back on my diet starting tonight.
Yes. That sick, horrible, painful and quite stringent diet that everyone CRINGED at when they heard of it.

Back on it.

Explanation

2005-02-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

Yes. My birthday is coming up. Yes. I have a boyfriend and Valentine's Day is coming up.

No. I am not jumping around in excitement and fun anticipation.

I've been disappointed just way too many times on both occassions for me to even bother looking forward to anything anymore. Birthdays and Valentine's - I have always, always spent alone with 75% of everyone who knew forgetting (family included). Deep down, everyone wants the acknowledgement, fun times, presents, to be with the people they love and enjoy on their birthday; Deep down, a LOT of people want to feel all lovey and special on Valentine's - Deep down, I still do (for both) - but a lifetime of disappointments don't fare well on a child. I'm essentially 19 but I'm still a child. I bleed like one. I have that blind hope as one does. I have that pure, yet ever so naive faith as one does. I cry like one does. I bitch and moan like one does.

I've had enough of people I trusted forgetting or disregarding; enough broken promises; enough of the calls at 1am after I spent the night crying having to hear that a certain someone's in jail or in court; enough of the feeling of jealously when I see other people or sit through their bouncy-happy stories; enough of the excuses having to be said about how they have other things to tend to; enough apologies for not being there; enough of just everything.

It's absolutely obvious that I don't trust ANYONE at all like I once did because everyone broke that trust at some point and I'm being quite reluctant in letting it grow back. I quite frankly don't want to hear it.

Essentially, I came to the conclusion that I don't think I'd be able to deal with anymore disappointment than what I've come to face already - which is essentially, an utter fucking lifetime of absolute fucking bullshit. Apart from my parents and brother, no one was there. (Excluding last year, Friday's with Meag & Mary) At this point, I'd like to go off on a tangent and say a few words to my 3 of my ex's. 1.J - Thanks for showing me that not having your (now ex)boyfriend there for you on your birthday and valentine's day isn't nearly as bad as having to find out that he was out cheating on you during them. 2.M- Thanks for showing me that I could fall asleep crying on both occassions and wake up having to deal with random people calling my phone letting me know that my (now ex)boyfriend lied to me about his "social drinking" and was consequently in jail. 3.S - Thanks for making me lose all faith in the sincerity of the male gender when it comes to acknowledgement of both occassions and then making me feel like the lowest form of shit when I made it known that I had wished for such acknowledgement. Back on topic here... There were a few things I hoped to have for either occassion, but it's clear I won't get them and that in and of itself is enough for me this year.

Alas, ex's are not my only reason of such passionate hate for birthdays and valentine's. I have reasons regarding events in my life, family, friends and "friends". But I don't think I can even bother to open those boxes up. I'm already buggin out after remembering the previously mentioned memories.

Thus being, my request for the next week is to just let me be moody and quiet and reflective upon myself and on the days of both occassions, just please to dear God leave me alone on those days. No calls; no IMs; no visitations. I'll be going to and from class, do some classwork and plan to spend an ONSCENE amount of time sleeping. I'll be fine. I'm fine right now. Just moodier, a little more "rushed". I like to do extra work and keep myself occupied. But that's my request.

Thanks for understanding, and if you don't understand - then thanks for abiding by the requests.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On to other subjects...
I'm getting a haircut. I dunno how or what kind or how short... But I'm going to cut my hair. I almost did it myself before I dried my hair but decided against it.

I need to goto the health center sometime this week. I really need to. GAH!

I forgot all the non-bitching stuff I was going to write. lol- CRAP.

After doing a lot of thinking...

2005-02-03T23:08:00.000-05:00

Deleted.

Movies.

2005-02-02T22:49:00.000-05:00

Finished watching 'Little Black Book'.

Don't you LOVE how movies get you thinking?

I'm bugging out much in the same fashion as I was last night. I've just gotten very keen at keeping it hidden.

Monologue of a Very Pent Up Person...

2005-02-01T22:58:00.000-05:00

You learn you can't trust people when they say they'll call you - AND THEY DON'T. You also learn that subtle ways of letting your feelings known are disregarded like a used tissue.

... [ Most of this entry has been deleted for my own disposition ] ...

And yeah, guarantee you that a LOT of people who read this are gonna be all "oh, that's not me..." FUCK YOU. It probably is. Have a problem? Please enlighten me with it.

Huff n Puff

2005-01-23T22:09:00.000-05:00

No. I'm sorry. I haven't been feeling much better since then. Nightmares encircle my thoughts on a routine basis. That rocky feeling hasn't faded but grows little by little.

Haena Cho. You're being wasted away because of yourself. Find something to hold on to before you fall.

That's what I want for my birthday. I want to know for sure that there's steady ground. Rocks to be crushed to dust, dreams instead of nightmares... Steady, dusty, secure ground.

Oy.

2005-01-22T04:23:00.000-05:00

What a rough night.

Difficult things said and admitted. Difficult air to breathe in for the rest of the weekend until I can escape.

Hey, Ryan - guess we got what we had joked about today, just a little too extreme. I have a reason to want to go back to the dorm now.

I know I've screwed up and I am sincerely sorry for all of the fucked up things I've done. And though, yes, I understand why you're upset and I also understand the part that I screwed up on... there's also a whole other side that I don't understand and wished you understood. But I'm not even going to bother or make the effort to go into that.

However, it has been made clear that I will be watched upon - but that essentially means that nothing I've done for the past months since the other parental 'earthquake' changes. I've made changes and have been a lot better. And once again, it has been made extremely clear that NO. I will NOT break up or give up Ryan. He is a decision that I have made whole heartedly and he is the only motivation I have, the only joy I find myself knowing, and the only certainty that I feel.

I said and typed it before. I say and type it now. I will say and type it again and again if necessary. I won't give Ryan up for anyone but either of us. I believe in US too strongly than to give up now or ever - without reason that directly involves either myself or Ryan. He's the only thing I believe in anymore; and in that sense, he is my faith.

I'm sorry if that hurts you but you'll need to figure it out and realize it at some point.

Well...

2005-01-16T23:50:00.000-05:00

Little rock grew into medium rock.
Everything just replays in my head like a nightmare before my eyes while I'm awake and I'm feeling so much regret over things I didn't say and didn't do yesterday when I had the chance to see for my very eyes - and now I don't have that opportunity. Each time it plays over, I realize loopholes and things that don't make sense.

One full night of sleep was nice.

Hello insomnia, my old friend. How are you?

Blog

2005-01-16T01:24:00.000-05:00

(I didn't know how to title this)

I've had a total of 5 hours of sleep within the past 2 nights. I'm wiped but I need to type before I sleep.

One of the, and perhaps THE hardest thing in life is coming to terms with that which you have come to fear the most. It has been a difficult month and the climax of all the floating questions and unsureness exploded this week, mainly - today. Today was such a horribly rough day. The first half, I'm trying to hide this painful feeling that personal instinct is screaming to me from my own heart while I'm trying to find answers for my own peace of mind. For a good half hour or so, I'm torn within a decision that renders me lifeless and makes me fall to the floor. And at that moment, something in me died. Just stopped breathing and died. For the rest of the night, I'm trying to find a way to make the pain go away and it's not. It's just there and growing. For the last 30 minutes, things are okay. So now, I'm tired to wit's end and yeah... It still hurts - a LOT... so much, suprisingly... even now. I suppose it's expected? Emotional pain doesn't go away quickly. It takes time and effort to make trust grow back but it never grows back the same... But it takes time and some effort and eventually, despite it's differing shade of color, it does grow back.
For now, we're going to have to wait and give it time and effort to grow back.

So...

I learned this week, the hard way, that fairy tales don't come true despite how perfect things may seem. And eventually, there are tears and a lot of pain, choices to make and a lot of obstacles to face. There always will be.

I also learned, very importantly, that feeling in the gut of your stomach that makes you hurt and cry and want to just die... that feeling of instinct that tells you to break away or take caution or... investigate... it's always right and you MUST follow that feeling - regardless of how much it hurts when you discover what you were looking for; regardless of what choices you'll be faced with when you confront it; regardless of what you'll have to endure or sacrifice in the end. Your own instinct won't fail you.

And that? That gives me a new outlook on spiritualism. Timing, thoughts, actions, ideas and emotions... like something was guiding me; knowing the frailty of my soul... knowing that it was something I needed to face - it told me what I had to face. Sad thing is, after all that's been said and done, you'd think that feeling would go away but it still lingers as it did the first 2 times. Like I failed to uncover the last rock along my path and let loose the bugs it hid. Doesn't feel like a big rock, like the others. It's a smaller rock, but a rock that I've overlooked all the same. I don't know. We'll see. However, it's easier when someone else uncovers that rock for you. The bugs bite less harder.

As for now, there's at least some peace. Enough peace to get me through... well until the little rock is uncovered. That? That'll be a different story with - perhaps, a different ending.

Because what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
For me, what doesn't kill me, makes me want to live less. I'd rather die in an airplane crash upon impact rather than limp away bleeding and disfigured or in a state of vegetation. (Going off on a tangent)

But regardless of the Chia-Trust issue, I think things will be a little stronger - starting tomorrow morning. I hope. I wish.

So here's to that.

As far a final realization I had come to? I realized that if I had to, I could live without him. I could survive without him. I could succeed without him because I don't necessarily need him. The thing is, I don't WANT to live without him; don't WANT to survive without him; don't see success without him. I want him; and that feeling - makes him necessary; regardless of the obstacles.

Here's to a brighter tomorrow; a trust to be renewed; hope for a rock to soon be uncovered; complete peace; a stronger future.

Ryan, I love you. And in those 3 words hold the essence of my entire life, heart, mind, body and soul.

[Haena Cho]

When you're sick

2005-01-11T02:03:00.000-05:00

Warning: Self-necessary rant about random stuff, mainly just sad rambling to get off my head. Don't need to necessarily read.

Being sick gives you a lot of clear time to think. You lay in bed a lot, sometimes watching a movie. If you're me, you usually have a migrane that could rock the richter scale so bright lights from a TV screen or computer hurt your eyes. And usually, people say that when you don't have much to do, time goes slower. When I'm sick, lying in bed - not able to sleep much, I get a lot of time to myself and time goes by quickly.

I haven't been this sick in such a long time.
I laid in bed last night with a migrane and an inflammed tonsil restricting my breathing, hurting my eyes and ears and just making my entire head feel like nuclear warfare broke loose. I laid in bed last night with cold sweats and shivers trying to scream but couldn't because of the tonsil issue. I found myself laughing... ironically, at myself. And you know I haven't been so sick in such a while due to the fact that it got so unbearable that I laid in bed begging God to kill me. I really did. I just laid there crying asking God to just kill me. As for tonight, after all the numerous, wonderous drugs I've taken this evening - my tonsil is numb and my head throbs less. Still sick. Breathing is restricted because of the massive tonsil I have.

I find myself not wanting to eat. Not really hungry. No real motive. Hurts to swallow. I find myself less compelled to do much of anything short of lay in bed wanting to sleep... just sleep for a really, really long time. But I'll watch a movie or so most of the time. I cry everytime a romance movie comes on. They make me feel really sad, to the point where I just curl up and cry.

I cry a lot when I'm sick. And yeah, I often feel so sad. Mainly for reasons mentioned previously. Other, unspoken/written reasons. Most... no, all... people, regardless of who they are, will point out all of the bad things that make you sad, and usually, they'll say things that put the blame on yourself without realizing that those things hurt you a lot more; that is, instead of trying to make you feel better. Or they'll try once or twice but won't pull through cuz they're just not trying or deep down don't really care too much.

People really don't care though and I think that's what really just sucks. No matter who they are... That's why I like that quote. People are just businesses.

I really don't look forward to going back to school. Something about it feels like it's going to hurt.

I kind of want to run away somewhere and start new. Get myself a broken down apartment somewhere with a bunch of books and a pet dog and a radio and a job at a restaurant to occupy my days. Kind of get away and not have to worry about whether or not I'm happy, just that I'm content... and not have to worry about whether or not something I say or don't say is making another person happy or sad... and not have to feel love, hate or fear. Take care of myself and my dog and radio and work. Perhaps in an ideal world within an ideal lifetime. Today, things aren't that simple. I'm not that simple.

Yeah. I'm feeling sad again.

I don't think I take back anything I said prior to this little blog. hm...
I need sleep. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning or maybe I'll get sick again. lol, that's how the first bit of illness came on isn't it? Went to bed crying profusely. Woke up with a stuffy nose, puffy eyes, killer tonsils and nausea. Then got sick. I hope I don't get more sick. I have a friend to say goodbye to this week and sick + emotional issues = bad.

Sleepy time.

sick

2005-01-08T20:59:00.000-05:00

my body feels like it's completely given up. i've been in bed all day and still it feels like i've been running a marathon... with a migrane... and puffy eyes.

the sound of someone's voice can make you cry because of all these feelings and insecurities and questions unanswered just pile up and it shouldn't hurt you that much but it does because you've grown ever so weakened and dependant and slowly it feels like they're dragging it out and pulling away from you. you're not as important as you once were but they'll drag on because maybe their head is trying to convince their heart or they feel guilty. but you don't say anything because you don't have the strength to do it so you're trying and trying to pull away from them because when the final blow finally comes and they've made that decision, you think it might hurt less but it hurts more to try to pull away and you really can't. and all the while, they'll read this and be so completely baffled with you and will tell you "you can't keep getting all insecure and shit" but you do, because you can't help it. because the way each day seems to pass makes you think that they're growing away from you but they don't notice. because you realize.. they don't need you as much as you've found yourself needing them - and it sucks so much.

and now you're sick.

but you know you'd give everything you have to feel safe like you did maybe a week or even a few months before.

you just want to sleep but you cant and nothing's making you feel better. just worse.

I need something to keep my head occupied.

2005-01-07T22:31:00.000-05:00

A is for Age: 18
B is for boyfriend: ryan
C is for career: Student => Slave => General Practition (MD)
D is for Dad's name: Kyung
E is for Essential item to bring to a party: Myself
F is for favorite song at the moment: Go West - King of Wishful Thinking
G is for girlfriend: I don't rug-munch.
H is for Hometown: Little Ferry
I is for Instrument(s)you play: Piano/Clarinet (Very basic stuff; most of it forgotten)
J is for Jam or jelly you like: Strawberry
K is for kids: NONE.
L is for Living arrangements: Dorm & Home
M is for Mom's name: Sun
N is for name of best friend: None
O is for overnight hospital stays: Does hoping for one right about now count?
P is for Phobias: Heights, bugs, darkness
Q is Quote you like: "People are like businesses and commerce. They'll invest themselves in you with lies and bloody good pieces of bullshit to make you think you have a steady little business parter. Now, you don't realize usually, but they're only interested when you have something they want or could use until a better deal rolls along... or they get bored. And I guarantee ya when I say that 99 percent of the time, you'll fall for it and end up regreting your business decisions after your business partner ruins your business for good and leaves ya high and dry." - Some Korean actor in one of those bad but interesting Indie-Korean films (found out harrr)
R is for Relationship: in one.
T is for Time you wake up: Whenever I wake up. Usually sometime between 9-11 or 12pm.
U is for Unique trait: I fall for bullshit faster than a teeny bopper for pop icons.
V is for Vegetable you like: Cauliflower
W is for Worst habit: Everything.
X is for X-rays you've had: Couple.
Y is for Yummy food you make: Ramen, toast and I can make a mean Pop-Tart.
Z is for Zodiac: The one that beats you down with the jug of water after I dump the water on you.

New Years? BAH.

2005-01-02T19:59:00.000-05:00

Stolen from el little brother

2004: Year in Review

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Drive by myself to random places
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Didn't make em, nothin to keep, ain't makin anymore
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Not that I remember
4. Did anyone close to you die? Adam
5. What countries did you visit? Nowhere
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Courage and lack of 'giving-a-shit'
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 19
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Surviving my 1st Freshman College Semester
9. What was your biggest failure? Myself
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? The usual; Headaches, heartaches, bodyaches
11. What was the best thing you bought? Dunno.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Dunno.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Let me pull that list out for ya...
14. Where did most of your money go? Bills- HAR!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Gradutation
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? Pfft, I don't know.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or sadder? Sadder.
Older or wiser? Both
Thinner or fatter? Thinner
Richer or poorer? Both
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Schoolwork and studying.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Slackin off
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent it with family and Ryan
21. Did you fall in love in 2004? Yes
22. How many one-night stands? One
24. What was your favorite TV program? Father of the Pride
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Several and many
26. What was the best book you read? Memoirs of a Geisha
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I have a growin dislike for rap/hip-hop
28. What did you want and get? uber cuddly ryan-time
29. What did you want and not get? eh, buncha stuff
30. What was your favorite film of this year? Dunno
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 18, homework
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Dunno
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? Mixed
34. What kept you sane? i'm sane?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? None that I can remember
36. What political issue stirred you the most? didn't care.
37. Who did you miss? Dunno. I'm very apathetic at the moment
38. Who was the best new person you met? Ryan
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: Life's a bitch. Slap it and go on.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Don't wake me I'm glad I'm sleepin in"

Happy, At Home, and Christmas? Ooh MAN...

2004-12-26T17:50:00.000-05:00

Current Song: [Savage Garden]I Knew I Loved You

Happy Holidays people!

Christmas... for this time in a long time... has been awesome.

To be continued...

Ahem

2004-12-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

I feel like shit.

Huzzah for Lamptree the Magnificent!

2004-12-21T00:46:00.000-05:00

[Postal Service]Sleepin In

It's late. I'm tired. I'm miserable. I'm sniffling.

A few weeks back, sitting in Ryan's car - I told him about some of my 'future family plans'. I swore to myself that one day, when I was older and financially well off... I'd do a lot of things for my family. I'd buy my mom and dad their own house because in my lifetime, we've always rented. I'd buy them new cars. I'd send them on a cruise. I'd fly them to Korea.

To fit in with the holiday spirit, I also swore to myself a while back that I'd give them a traditional christmas - Tree, gifts, food - etc etc. We used to have Christmas's like that when I was really young. As I got older, my family's finances drooped and the motive to do such festive things went down the drain as family moved away, parents got older, etc etc-

Seeing as how my current situation seems to hold a very dark and bleek end of road... I don't think I'll be able to buy the house, the cars, the cruise nor the plane/hotel fare for Korea. I can barely give them Christmas.

I tried to make it up to my mom though... Who says you need a tree right?
All you need is a pack of garland and a room lamp.

Merry Christmas Mom & Dad.
Here's to a little bit of tradition and prettiness back in the house...

... That made my mom smile... which made me happy.

On other news... to a particular other person...
Feeling those... vibes. And you can deny it, but I still feel them. And it's like a handful of sand, you slowly drift away without knowing... and that breaks me apart. But I guess any emotions of sadness, fear and tears I feel are my own fault. I'm sorry that I make you miserable more than I make you happy anymore. And I'm sorry I'm always at a lack of words but an abundance of tears. I'm sorry I'm not the same bubbly or fun or awesome or cute person you once knew. And I'm sorry if all this means that a part of me has lost a part of you.

Happy Holidays right?
... Here's wishing.
*sigh*

Psychology Exam to study for... I need sleep.

"Don't wake me, I plan on sleeping in..."

So here it is...

2004-12-20T10:19:00.000-05:00

I'm finally home. No more enduring the ridiculous things I have to put up with at the dorm, but I do miss having friends live 2 or 3 doors away from me. That's always been a nice aspect to dorming.

Psychology Exam is 2 days away. I have to drive up at 6 am in order to park and be in the building on time. How sad. But I'd do almost anything to avoid extra nights spent in that dorm room with the incompetant one living a mere 4 feet away from me. *glare*

On the 23rd is the alumni breakfast at RPHS.

The 24th is Christmas Eve. 25th is Christmas. And whatnot thereafter.

So - as for myself, I'm going to stay locked up in my room for quite a bit of time. I'm going on a pretty sick and severe diet regiment for all of break. I have absolutely no self confidence at the time being... and feel like shit.

Apart from that, all is good in the neighborhood. Just starting to stress about parents already. Still... I admit, it's better than being in the dorm room.

Happy 9 months Hon~

FINALS

2004-12-13T22:24:00.000-05:00

Tonight is the last night of relaxation before I cram my ass off for finals.

Aw man. This is going to suck butt.

*big fuckin pout*

Can't wait for Finals to be over. Can't wait to see Ryan on Sunday.

Hm...

2004-12-12T01:31:00.000-05:00

Things are better and I'm happy again.

Finals week.

FUCK. -.-

Waffle Sundae - Sickness.

2004-12-10T19:16:00.000-05:00

My whole fucking world is sent in upheaval and I don't want to be awake for any of it.

I DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!

FUCK.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK CUFKC FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK CUFKC FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

kfsldkjflsdjjr93qjrioj32q;
KDJSFKJSKFJSDJFDLSFJ
jfu32ujroj3r-1jrpqjmpo21`jrjq-2309jr2ij3p
ojdfkjsklfjksdjflsjffwejsdfsdkfsklfs;kljfsdkojfsdfsdojfeaojfea[oj

...

Essence

2004-12-05T22:35:00.000-05:00

Current Song: [Nine Days]If I Am

Nothing more to say than...

... is the essence of my existance.

I miss you...

2004-11-30T22:12:00.000-05:00

Current Song: [Incubus]Miss You

Bunch of stuff... tired, so I'll throw it all in randomly:

Gained 5 lbs. so now I'm sad and need to get rid of it so that Ryan does not have to deal with the horror that ensues with those 5 extra lbs. lol... I have an Expos rough draft to do for tomorrow... PMS - 'nuff said... The sudden lavishness of affection and what you said last night before hanging up has been awesome but I wonder to myself - what brought this on? who said what or what happened?... The topic of Medical school and what would happen if I went away really bummed me out today and continues to do so. I know it's 4 years away, but still... Angel/Dee got me sick and I feel like shit.

That's about it. Gotta wake up at 8am to write that paper. Nighty night!

P.S.
... I cannot fuckin WAIT to see Ryan. :) Hehe... I miss him so much, it's crazy. And with all of that above-written crap... I just can't wait to hold him. :)

insecure

2004-11-27T00:14:00.000-05:00

hormones?

i'm insecure once again.
have the big fights as of late changed a heart?
am i just scared or truely fearful?
what do i do?
hormones don't bring about insecurity. they open the door for a shy person to reveal their fears.
i don't know.

... i'm sorry.

Thanks...

2004-11-26T04:12:00.000-05:00

I suppose I should do what many others have done and thank some greater deity for all of the blessings in my life...

God: I don't go to church on a regular basis by choice. But don't let that deter anyone from thinking I don't believe. However... God, I want to thank you for giving me another year of life with both of my parents. For granting me the gift of being able to share another Thanksgiving with them. For giving them another year of life. For knowing that regardless of what I say, I really don't know how to survive without them. For letting me sit at a table with them once more. For granting me the blessing of spending as much time with them as I can. For giving me another holiday with both of them in my life. With my heart wide open and the sincerest of tears that fall down my cheeks so early in the morning... Thank you.

My parents: For sticking behind me through all of our infamous fights and arguments and threats of being kicked out of the house and so on. For raising me to be who I am today. For making me a stronger person. For waking up early to make sure I went to school every morning. For always taking me into consideration when you go clothes shopping or food shopping. For setting my head on the right track. For knowing when to make me cry and making sure I cried. For being huge pains in my ass... which ultimately made me learn things that I would've ended up screwing up on. For letting so much of my bullshit fly by and not putting up with it so much. For being more than parents to me... I'm sorry for a lot of the things I've done and said to both of you within these past few months. I'm thankful to God that I was granted another Thanksgiving spent with you both. ... ahem. Starting to tear up. I'm sorry for all the times I fuck up and you still put up with me and love me. Thank you for you.

My brother: For the memories of our childhood... munching and talking in the RV, the walks to the busstop, the walks to the small indian store in North Arlington... Watching TV or a movie together... 5 calorie Water (lol)... For giving me money when you knew I needed it but wouldn't ask for... For helping me out whenever you could without my asking... For being more than a brother.

My cousins: For giving me some of the best memories of my life. I look back on them while I'm at school and things feel like they're falling apart... and it makes me smile and laugh, if even for a few moments. I miss you guys so much.

Meag: For those times I didn't want to be with Jeff alone (lol). For giving me support in and walking me through my breakup with Sheridan. For being my strength when I couldn't deal with myself after the phase with Mike. For the times spent at TGIFriday's. For the carrides home from school. For Baby-Cho and Baby-Cho [Remixed]. For the carrides to school in the morning. For the trips to the mall. For cutting school so I wasn't alone when I ventured off to meet up with Ryan for the first time. For always being there and understanding me when I couldn't understand myself sometimes. For the lunchtable and study hall. For being honest with me.

Mary: For our friendship from Freshman year to this day. For our candy-rushes. For always being the goof to make me laugh. For being there for me. For our birthdays. For our YET TO COME shopping sprees and Coach bags. For being the one to clean my act up and give me a reason to not fuck up. For showing me that I need a sense of humor, I need to laugh every once in a while and that I need to act like a 5 year old sometimes.

Koop: For one of the closest friendships I could have never imagined to come true. For AP Bio and Calculus and AP Euro. For talking me through some of those 'college issues'. For being there for me. For giving me a reason to laugh. For understanding my personality and humor. For the random IM's of love and friendship. For caring. Best of luck and wishes for you and Andi.

Beaner: Being the closest friend I have @ Rutgers. Being the other half of our 'Fearsome Female Duo'. For supporting my decisions and backing me up. For laughing with me, crying with me, being angry with me. For being the one to get my ass out of hermitting in my dorm room and out and about the floor and now, 3rd floor. For being there.

Dee: Being another close friend @ RU. The advice you give me. The walks from Expos. Expos in and of itself. Gettin my papers in when I can't. For letting me watch your relationship grow and smile as I see how it flowers like mine did and reminding me of how great a thing I have with Ryan is. For being a friend. For the random calls just to talk. For the offers to stay with you rather than deal with my roomie.

Sung: Being one of my only Korean friends at RU. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes. For being a friend. For staying up till 6am to talk about that one issue I had. For giving advice. For just being there. For the 3am Chinese Take Out orders. For Psych class.

John Lucy: For being the biggest dork fuckin ever. (lol) Makes me smile. For Bio. For being a friend. For the times spent playing video games and eating junk food instead of writing Expos papers.

Nick Cirillo: For almost 10 years of enduring friendship.

Kev & Josh: For all the depressing times I ended up chilling in your room because my floor is full of assholes, Sabrina's in your room, and I needed to get away from everything. For understanding and being awesome friends at that. The munchie invasions. The computer invasions. Everything. You guys are so awesome.

Tom: For reminding me something about myself, something about college, and something important about my relationship.

Mike Dobiesz: For being you. For the chats. For the jokes. For the sympathy you offer. For making me laugh. For being an all around awesome person.

Alfie: For that song you wrote, sang, and recorded for me. It never fails to make me smile.

Mr. & Mrs. French: For being welcoming, understanding, and accepting.

All my ex's: For teaching me a lot about myself. For showing me my mistakes. For letting me realize who I am and what a great thing that is. Tyler - for the advice you give me about myself.

Ryan French:
I thank you for you.
For the first day at Rockaway Mall. For the Panda and Rose I still hold near and dear to me. For my binder and heart-box of memories. For the other pandas. For Ry-Bear. For all the gifts. For the rides to and from my house to yours or my dorm to your house or my house or dorm to a mall and back. For all the fights and make ups. For all the times you hold me and wipe away my tears. For that one day when I cramped up really badly and you held me for like 15 minutes, cradling me. For RedBank. For all the suprise visits you've given me. For putting up with me. For putting up with my insecurities. For loving me despite my many flaws. For dealing with my mood swings. For giving me those 5 minutes on Friday night when we fought constantly and you kept hanging up on me which was a total bummer - but having everything turn out okay. For that one day we spent at Garden State Plaza sitting on a bench staring at random people. For that one day you spent with me and my friends at Garden State Plaza and then Friday's... with the crazy balloon dude. For both my candle-lit dinners. For PROM. For my bed set and my desk set and all the college-moving-transition crap. For holding me in such a way that makes everything okay. For sticking through and by me always. For the mornings I woke up in your arms and in your gaze finally realizing what perfection feels like. For loving me in a way that only you do. For making me feel warm and fuzzy inside. For being the best you that you could ever be to me. For that one talk at TGIFriday's about the liquor cabinet full of pretty bottles, kids, and a future... together. For all the conversations we've had. For the first time you squeezed 'i love you' into my hand. For the poems and away messeges you wrote me. For being proud of me when I wasn't proud of myself. For this one IM you sent me that still makes me feel giggly inside when I read it. For the first day I spent over your house and we laid around watching a movie and you leaned on top of me and sang to me. For making me laugh and smile. For all the IMs you send me in the morning to tell me you love me and hope I have a good day and are sleeping well and feel better if I was sick the night before. For caring enough about me to fight with me about my sleeping. For laying in bed with me for hours on end because I'm tired and just want to cuddle with you. For finally giving me a reason to look forward to a holiday. For everything you do for me, do to me, and are to me. For telling me I'm cute, or beautiful or anything else and making me feel awesome. For all the times you've made reference to us and a future together. For loving me uniquely. For giving me something to look forward to, something to work for. For giving me a reason to watch my health. For giving me a reason to start my stupid medical treatment and medicine. For giving me a reason to care. For giving me a reason to smile. For giving me you... someone who makes me feel alive. For every step I've taken with you and towards you. For every breath I've breathed through you. For letting me love you like I do... because I do. Thank you... for you - perfect, just simply as you are.

... If I missed anyone, leave a note and I'll fix it. However - I'm sure I covered the the essentials.

Thanksgiving and other random crap

2004-11-25T08:47:00.000-05:00

I suppose because I'm home once more for a Holiday break, I should perhaps write out something meaningful, funny, or thought provoking. I'll do my best.

Don't find the darker meanings behind this entry. See the light that shines through. Don't cry for me Argentina? lol- Just remember, It's okay.

So it's Thanksgiving Day.
I've been figurative tears since the carride home. There's thick air, a sense of loss, and a feeling of burden everywhere. My father isn't in good health. For anyone who didn't know, he had surgery a few days back and several complications arose during. He's home but doesn't feel well at all. My mother, I found out during the carride home, has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. She doesn't know if it's benign or malignant and has several more tests/scans to deal with on Friday. We were supposed to spend the day shopping together. My brother spends a great deal of time in his room when he's not at work, playing games to 'escape' everything else. I, myself, have been progressively ill as of late. My mom thinks it's because I haven't started up my 'liver/blood treatment' yet, meaning I haven't gotten my necessary medication yet, meaning there's no happy little chemicals with guns swimming around my blood stream cleaning up what my liver can't. Why haven't I done such a thing? Lack of health insurance, I'd say. But I should get to work on that. It just bugs me to know that my health-related moods rely on monthly checkups/treatments and daily pills for the rest of my life. However, I do want to grow old and watch my children have children.

I wanted control of my life. So I got my hair done. Nothing drastic. It looks virtually the same, so to anyone from school - don't expect a difference unless you stare at it in the sunlight.
I now want a piercing or a tattoo. I doubt I'll get either. I just want big, drastic change.

Thanksgiving, each year, has just dwindled down more and more. I remember 1 huge turkey or 2 smaller turkies, massive amounts of my dad's special stuffing, a glazed ham, corn, green beans, bread, kim-chee, and soda. The grand finale were the 2 pumpkin pies that came out nice and warm. Our turkey is smaller, our ham is smaller, food isn't as great. But that's not the point. I miss my family so much. They're off in California. Four cousins, an aunt and uncle. We used to have a huge all-day feast in my house and the air was warm with conversation and food. It was a nice atmosphere.

I am thankful I still have both my parents still here for me to spend time with. That I have my brother with me to spend time with and joke with.

Tomorrow will be okay.

Saturday, I may be able to spend time with my favorite girls from those infamous days in RPHS at our one and only joint, Fridays. Muster up all the memories that I still and always hold dear to me.

Don't exactly know when I'll see Ryan, but time will come. There is always, always time for Ryan.

I've become a different person. You might not see it in me, but you may have grown with me or maybe you've seen the change gradually. My eyes are clearer and life endures.

I hope I live to see the day when I have Thanksgiving with a husband, children, and my parents, my brother and his family, my aunts and uncles and all my cousins - just one more time. I hope I live to see the day when I have Thanksgiving with a husband, children, grandchildren, and my brother's and cousins's families, and the best memories of our aged parents.

For once in these many months, I'll pray.
I pray for God to keep my parents and aunts and uncles alive long enough so we could all see each other just one more time and have at least one more dinner together.
I pray for God to keep my health enduring long enough to see a dinner of my entire family... together. All the kids, all grown up - talking about the times when we used to play ninja-heroes and whatnot in my backyard, to our kids.

I'm thankful for the memories I have to hold on to.
I'll thank God for the lives we still live today.
I'll pray for our futures.

And for anyone wondering about anything, cuz at least one person is...
I'm not ashamed of my family or my life. I'm proud of it.
I'm not ashamed that my family doesn't have the best or the most sufficient amount of money. I'm not ashamed we struggle more than others to get by. I do not lead a hard life, in my opinion.

And for that? I'm thankful... to whatever deity has bestowed this to me and to my parents.

change is good...

2004-11-23T20:27:00.000-05:00

i've changed since high school.

awesome.

Hm.

2004-11-21T21:38:00.000-05:00

I tried.
I had a change of mind, of heart, of reaction, and of rationality.
Things never follow through a straight path nor do they go your way.
So?
I'm done.

Made an ass out of myself, but for the better good, I like to see it; and I'm sorry for any discomfort resulting thereof simply for the fact that I like to get things off of my mind and out into the open. Regret as I may, however, these past few days have lead me to the conclusion that this...
http://image16.webshots.com/16/1/82/56/220918256rWJDfb_ph.jpg
is all that's worth fighting for; worth crying for; worth sacrificing for.
That's all that matters anymore because I'm done.
Thank you for today.

Limbo

2004-11-20T03:02:00.000-05:00

I'm just in this very awkward place in life, in the week, in the day.

Someone tell me it'll be okay.

The Past 2 Days...

2004-11-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

I spent the time cuddled up in Ryan's arms for about 60% of the time.
I have never felt more comfortable ever before.
I have never felt more unburdened than that time.
I forgot what that kind of peace felt like.

I was held. I was snuggled. I was cuddled. I was hugged. I was kissed.

I felt whole, and complete, and... I was where I belonged.

It was amazing.
There comes a moment of universal peace, when you're in the arms of someone and you just KNOW that those are the arms you belong wrapped around in from then to the end of time. And in that one moment, time stops - nothing is wrong - there are no worries - there are no fears - and in that one moment, life is as good as it could ever get. That one person completes you in every way, shape, and form.

I love you for you. For what you do. For who you are. For loving me.
I love you for who we are when we're together.

*sleepy smile*

And that's good enough for me.

Next Semester's Schedule As of NOW

2004-11-11T00:10:00.000-05:00

Here's hoping people change schedules and whatnot to accomodate whatever so that I can ultimately arrange no Friday courses... Or no Monday courses. Hm...

As of now, and perhaps permanently, this is it:

MONDAY:
[11.30am-12.50pm]Introduction to Cultural Anthropology (Hickman)
[2.50pm-4.10pm]Introduction to Cultural Anthropology (Hickman)

TUESDAY:
[11.30am-12.50pm]Calculus I (Ruth Adams)
[1.10pm-2.30pm]Introduction to American Studies (Ruth Adams)
[2.50pm-4.10pm]General Biology II (Hickman)

WEDNESDAY:
what's that there then? NO CLASS?! HOW ABSURD!!

THURSDAY:
[8.30am-9.25am]Calculus I :: Recitation (Ruth Adams)
[11.30am-12.50pm]Introduction to Cultural Anthropology (Hickman)
[1.10pm-2.30pm]Introduction to American Studies (Ruth Adams)
[2.50pm-4.10pm]General Biology II (Hickman)

FRIDAY:
[8.10am-11.10am]General Biology II LAB (Biology Building)
[11.30am-12.50pm]Calculus I (Ruth Adams)

... funny eh?
Apart from Bio Lab being in the Bio Building... all my classes are in 2 buildings. Just back and forth. haaaaaaaar.

Boredom Survey

2004-11-10T20:17:00.000-05:00

First best friend: Pratima Gangopadhyay
First car: 1987 Mustang GT 5.0 Convertible
First date: I actually don’t remember
First screen name: hc291
First self purchased album: Boyz II Men - Evolution
First funeral: None
First pets: 2 birds - Zebra Finches. Forget their names...
First tattoo: none
First credit card: I have 2 Visas, 1 Visa Debit Card
First enemy: Everyone.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Some old Korean music

LASTS :
Last cigarette: Um... 2-3 years back? Experimentation we'll call it.
Last car ride: Back to my dorm on Sunday night.
Last kiss: November 4, 2004
Last library book checked out: No idea whatsoever... it's been a while.
Last movie seen: Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle
Last beverage drank: Diet Cola
Last food consumed: Vegan Potato Stuffed Shells
Last phone call: Ryan
Last shoes worn: Sketcher sneakers
Last cd played: burned CD
Last item bought: Christmas gift for Mom
Last annoyance: I plead the fifth
Last disappointment: ... I don't want to say.
Last shirt worn: Aeropostale, blue tee-shirt
Last words you said: “then goto sleep dork"
Last song you sang: Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through

What color socks are you wearing: Not wearin any
What color of underthings are you wearing?: black and white
Whats under your bed?: 2 plastic storage boxes with my clothes in 'em
What time did you wake up today?: 6am... nightmare.

FUTURE :
Where do you want to go?: Anywhere but here... anywhere that'll make me feel nothing like I do now.
What is your career going to be?: General Physician
Where are you going to live?: I don't know
How many kids do you want?: 2 maybe 3
What kind of car: A nice one. =D

CURRENT :
Current mood: tired, achey, worried, troublesome, fidgety
Current music: Gavin DeGraw - Follow Through
Current taste: JuJuBe's
Current clothes: Jeans and my blue tee-shirt
Current desktop picture: Pictures
Current favorite artist: fuck if i know man...
Current book: Gift From the Sea
Current color of toenails: toenail color?
Current time wasting wish: I dunno
Current hate: what I'm feelin right now

My name is: Cho
I may seem: like a head-strong, power hungry bitch
But I'm really: insecure, scared, and pathetic
Sometimes I feel: like everyone's just fading away from me
In the morning I: wake up and try to forget that someone else lives in the same room as me
I like to sleep: without being worried or upset
One thing I wish I had is: peace of mind with a sprinkling of more time
One thing I have that I wish I didn't is: experience
Love is: comfort and peace
Something I want but I don't really need is: money
I live for: myself.
I am afraid of: ... being alone.

Ozzy Osbourne

2004-11-09T19:39:00.000-05:00

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

If I'm being unclear, please don't ask.

Yes, I've been hermitting a bit more than once before.
Why?
I have priorities to put in order and socialization - though appealling, comes last on this list. Why, of all people, would I allow this to ensue?
School first, fun later.
I owe myself a good grade or two.

Yes, I've been sleeping much earlier and much more frequently than before.
Why?
I'm hibernating? I don't know.
I like sleeping.
Professor James spoke about how we find ways and addictions to escape the things we fear most - essentially, coming face to face with our emotions... fear, anger, sadness.
I... as in myself... choose to sleep.
No thinking. No not thinking. No real consideration. No reality.
I sleep.

I get to disregard all the things that make me feel even the slightest bit of worry or concern or hurt. And no, I won't just 'deal'.

Thus, to end this little diatribe of mine...

If you need me, or would like to have a discussion, or are bored and need to kill a few minutes for absolutely no reason whatsoever... knock, IM, whatever it may be.
However... And I mean this wholly and completely...

DO NOT - think for a fucking minute that I am here for your sole bit of amusement or just a pair of ears in which to bitch to, get information from, get homework from, or get any bit of social delight out of. DO NOT - think for a fucking minute that I don't realize when the only times you people come to me are for the most superficial of reasons: 'do this for me.'; 'can you do this?'; 'i just HAD to tell someone, ANYONE! and ur in your room!'... and DO NOT - think for fucking minute that I take all things with a grain of salt... be it, bitching, complaining, cancelling plans on me, changing shit on me, being hypocritical to me, or anything of any form of the above mentioned.

... no.

I take no one's shit with a grain of salt any longer.

I am not your lacky. I am not your little lap dog. I am not your bitch.

And so be it if it means that not being the above means that I am not your friend.
I don't need it.

Yes, I'm happy. I'm in a relatively good mood at the moment... sort of. kind of. maybe.
But I'm not upset, angry, or sad in any way or form. Happy, with a slight bit of uncomfort or disappointment - but nothing that really gets to me. Maybe not happy, so much - but content, in a sense. Hm?

So don't think I'm going off on random people, because I'm not. I single no one out or no few people out. I'm really not.

So be on your way, happily and merrily-
And I shall to.

fum dee dum dee dum dee doo...

this week just keeps sucking more and more

2004-11-08T19:22:00.000-05:00

came back to school - bummer.
having issues with people. great
3 days pass... ok. i want to spend just a nice amount of time to wind down on the phone considering i haven't done so in the past 3 days. yes, a bit warm. took medicine.
got berrated.
great.

new world record? not even 7.30 and i feel like emotional fecal matter.

and then it hits me like *bam*.

it's deja vu!
and i'm twirling into my own miserable little world.

not at rutgggeeerrrrsssssss...

2004-11-04T16:06:00.000-05:00

woo woo... and it feels so gooooooooooooooooood.

blah

2004-11-02T09:17:00.000-05:00

freakin God music stuck in my head...

goddamnit.

Hm? Yes?

2004-11-01T12:36:00.000-05:00

"Yes, I worry myself too. No. Good-Bye, I have class."

Lay in fetal position, clinging to a bear.

Is that all it is now?

Hm.

Called mom, just wanted to hear a familiar voice.
Cried about it.

What a pathetic sack of human I am.

Lost.

rainbow bunnies have lifespans twice that of gerbils with orange mice.

2004-11-01T01:02:00.000-05:00

I just wanna not be here. Wanna be away from college. Don't wanna live here with them. Don't wanna feel trapped and fuckin alone like I do right now. Just don't wanna wake up in my RU-bed, staring at my crumbling RU-ceiling, sniffing the RU-horse shit, with RU-homework to do, and RU-exams to study for. Just don't want to fall asleep in those conditions nor do I even wanna wake up to begin with. And i'm sorry if over time you've found that things about me or things I do or don't do aren't what you'd like or so - so much that it's become something that may bug you even a little or you find need to poke at. and I'm sorry if there are things about me you'd like to alter and change because I don't fill a certain quota. I'm sorry if people find things about me odd or irritating- but God fuckin damnit, it's me. Essentially, I'm sorry for me and that people can't just take that for face value. I'm piss tired of this. Of every stupid fucking thing on a day to day basis. And yes - even stupid shit does in fact bug me. So what? Different kinds of stupid shit bugs different people. Shit that doesnt bug me, bugs you. And shit that doesn't bug you bugs someone else. And shit that doesn't bug them, bugs me. And I'm sorry if that irritates anyone too.

Cuz it's me. I always apologize to everyone for fucking everything.

FJSKLJFLKSJKJL~!!
I hate rutgers.
I hate this dorm room.
I greatly dislike myself right now.

And I...
I am losing my mind.

And everyone, freakin EVERYONE, around me is happy and their lives are following down roads that shine light to them...
which makes me feel that much worse. I mean, I'm happy for you guys... but I'm not.

Feeling like a lost lonely mouse, poked and prodded to roam each which way throughout a maze with no end...

I just feel so... lost.
I feel lost... with no real reason or help to guide a way to anywhere.
People come and go and they push and prod... Left, Right, Straight... dead end. Turn back, right, right...
No motive.
Lost.

Anywhere but here... Please... Just not here...

Bah. Everyone's used to Haena's "crazy" and "emotional" rants and all that by now, right? Of course... doesn't matter. Life goes on... Haena Cho represses and forgets... And we all have our little cycle...
Just doesn't matter anymore.

Happy Halloween.

rainbow bunnies have lifespans twice that of gerbils with orange mice.

miss him...

2004-10-27T10:20:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [311]Amber

2 More days till Saturday.
... Until I see the one person who makes me happiest in the world - the universe.

Craving to hold him and hug him and kiss him.

Do you know what a perfectly fitting glove feels like? It contours with your hand and feels like a second skin, but not constricting.

That's what I've realized Ryan is to me.

I feel naked without him, so to speak.

I'm happiest in his arms, and most content being in his presence.
It doesn't get better than that for me.

You fit me like a glove, a puzzle piece.
The best part of me. Hmm...

I miss you so much.
I love you.
And because you're my glove, my puzzle piece... the milk to my cake, the cheese to my macaroni... I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that I belong with you. Don't know what I'd be, who I'd be - without you... but I know I wouldn't be happy.

I will love you till the end of time and will always, always be there for you.
No one makes me feel the way you do and your arms are where I belong.

Can't wait to see you.
I really can't.
Ryan French, I love you... beyond words, emotion, and concept.
I wanna spend the rest of eternity and forever with you - and that, my dear, is a fact.
Thank you, for you. *hugs and kisses always*

---------------

As far as school, I'm really gettin my crap together.
I decided, to avoid any more chance of people "liking" me and any more chance of others "hating" me - I'm going to hermit myself. Meaning - My room, bathroom, dining hall, classes, and organizational meetings. No more of this lingering around bullshit. I've decided that all I really need and more so WANT - are the times with my boyfriend (bullshitting on the phone or otherwise), family, and better grades.

So thank you all for your openness and friendly attitudes - but I will have to, for the time being, decline.

I don't want to be "liked" nor do I want to be "hated". I just want to be me, be here. Nothing more, nothing less.

at home... and kind of liking it

2004-10-22T23:15:00.000-04:00

Mom, Dad, and I had Korean food today. It was some good stuff. We bonded, sorta kinda.

Mom and I are going shopping, eating freakin SUSHI @ MINADO (woooooo), and spending time together.

Don't get to see Ryan this week... the term "blah" encompasses every and all emotion towards this. No wait... blaaaahhhh blahbitty blah blah... times a freakin million.

Hating school. I need to continue down this path of gettin my shit together... especially with perspectives.

And just all this crap man. I'm lockin myself in my dorm room for the next week or 2 to catch up, above, and beyond. *nod*

No one bug me.

... I just miss my baby. =

hermf?

2004-10-20T18:36:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Morris Day & the Time]Jungle Love // [Kimberly Locke]8th Wonder

Jungle Love - from Jay and Bob
8th Wonder - for this:

I LOVE YOU RYAN!!!
Happiest 7 Months.

The song? Came on while the first time Ryan and I chatted. Came on every time in the car since then. Burned to CD and listened to while I drove to Rockaway. The lyrics tell it all...
That I am dating the eighth wonder of the world... The way you kiss me crazy, baby you're SO AMAZING!!!

I could scream it from a building top - and you know I have. Since I screamed it from the middle of a crowded mall that time... =)

You've made every day of my life one to remember. Every hug you give me... every kiss... every breath I take to breathe you in... is one to remember, never forget. I love you in a way no one could ever understand.

You really are my comfort and my happiness... and the satisfaction in my life... I dunno what I'd ever do without you... and I don't think I'll have to find out. =)

Ya got me for life... always and forever yours, faithfully - honestly - completely - absolutely - eternally.

dorkbutt <3 buttmunch
Thank you for an amazing 7 months... and for giving me happiness and hope for many more to come.

No one else could ever come close, nor will they ever have the opportunity. Yours always. =)

---

school's been a dick.
I've been doing better but I there's always room to improve more so... and I really will.
I have to and I will.

2 Months in and there's just stupid stuff around the dorm that's been buggin me which i don't wanna get into... but whatever.

Let's just say - I'm staying on my side of the hallway, out of the floor lounge, and inside my room constantly from hence forward. Not dealin with it anymore cuz I have no room in my life for anyone but my family, myself, my few closest friends - and most importantly - my baby... oh, and school and work (haha). I need to straighten up all the way. And I will. It all starts today.

It's all about me.

I need to lose weight too. haarrrrrr-

So to end off...

Mom/Dad - sorry i've been a pain, but ... deal.
Ryan - i love you.. more than words, more than emotion... and I always will... for forever and a day... and then some.
Nick - dudeness. miss ya too. hope school's good.
Mary - cheerleading. mad cute. lol- i'm so happy for you and your relationship though. it's almost as good as mine. almost.
Erika - I MISS YA SO MUCH KOOP!! visit dude.

Peaceness.

how bizarre

2004-10-17T00:12:00.000-04:00

college does change a lot of things.

how bizarre.

i have never been complimented b4 by school people before. this is def. something new from high school.

ah well - no one to impress around here! i dress relatively nicely when i see my baby... *big shit eating smile*

That McFlurrie rocked tonight. =)

I had fun today honey... and I love you so so much.

As far as school peoples... I joke, I joke. Don't always take me seriously people.

And you Ryan French...
I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with you.

I've found my missing puzzle piece... cuz you're all I need.

For Sunday... I sleep, I rest, I write a lab report, I talk to boyfriend, I mingle with dorm buddies. Peaceeeee!

one of those days ... i hope it's only that.

2004-10-15T11:13:00.000-04:00

just one of those days... can't you feel it in the air? cuz i breathe it in and it's like acid to inhale and heaven to exhale but i can't breathe.

and so it begins ever so slowly.

... grr...

2004-10-12T19:26:00.000-04:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH~!!!!!!!!!!!!

The jeans, they fit!

2004-10-10T23:11:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Jimmy Eat World]My Sundown

I was with Ryan 2 hours ago, and I miss him.

Spent the day at Menlo Park Mall. Yes, I'm a punk to shop with- mainly because I'm very picky about the fit/length of my clothing. I have an abnormal body structure and sometimes I'm fat. lol- Depending on the mirror/reflection... like any other standard female. tee-hee?

After the mall, Ryan and I came back to my dormroom to cuddle.

YES. We cuddled.

It was the best (about)4 hours of my life.

I don't understand myself sometimes. I've cried a lot while talking on the phone with him, or today when I saw him... but why? It's not because I'm sad - mostly. At some point, I cried cuz I was happy. Today I teared up holding him because I felt safe enough to just cry. I felt comfortable and very at ease with him to just let a few tears out. At some point, I also felt very overwhelmed and afraid. No relationship, apart from one, has lasted more than 7-8 months. We're inching that mark and it scares the hell out of me. I've never felt more attached to someone before and it scares me so much. He's so much a part of who I am and the reason behind the things I do. He gives me a reason to do better - not only for me, but for a more than me. That kind of bond scares me. Looking back at the way we started and how this bond formed and just grew - for me at least - I sometimes miss that 'honeymoon' phase - with all the imaginative sweet nothings and all of that nonsense. But I wouldn't give up that security I feel. Going through old conversations made me feel nostalgic and cry. I miss hearing/reading the words that expressed himself towards me. The retardedly elaborate ones that confirm that things will stay the same, it'll be okay, and that we'll always be together. However, I still love hearing him say "i love you" and "shmoopie" and my name sounds so much nicer from him.

I've grown to depend so much on him, that scares me too. I don't know what I'd do without him, and if I had my way - I would never have to find out. But I also know that deep inside, if I had to - I'd survive. I'm an independant by nature, just like my mom. Bitch like my mom too, but shh - I never said that.

It's so much comfort. I can lay around like my lazy, fat little self and be comfortable with him. I can cry and be fine. I feel more comfortable on the drive back to his house than on a drive back to my house. I feel more at ease eating dinner with his parents than my own. I'm a better person around him, and I'm so much happier. All my walls, all the guards I have - that "angry" facial expression I have, the [i can kick your ass in 7 different ways if i wanted to] attitude dissipates, the [fuck you, i'm better] persona just floats away ... when i'm with him. I have no walls anymore. The way he looks at me while he watches as I eat like a pig or as I just lay around, or the way he holds me or brushes my shoulder... the playful ways he pokes or comments... brings out that part of me I died to just get out.

The best parts of my week, are those few moments when I walk towards him in the parking lot. I kind of step out of this costume and mask I wear all week at school, with the people i live with, exist with... and I just fall into line. Then there are those moments, like tonight, when we're lying around with a movie playing and we lay together quiet, and he just holds me tight. Or even those moments when we're tickling, poking, playing around like a pair of fools.

... My fear of fish and birds and lobsters and the dark and being alone... my fears of everything... come forward and all of those lies I build up around me crumble the moment I see him, hear him...

I never want to let go of it, of him...

I want to one day find myself waking up next to him every morning for the rest of my life... and I want to one day find myself running into his arms anytime I need him... and I want to one day realize that he's been the best chance that i have taken - of my lifetime.

I've never felt like this.
What I feel for him surpasses love, devotion, compassion, kindness, joy, or contentment.

I'm bare. I'm naked. I'm exposed and broken down when I'm with him... because he lets me be, and he loves me for all of the dumb things I say or do sometimes. I miss a lot of things about the beginning of my relationship. I really do. However, I cherish a lot of things about my relationship now. And I look forward to a lot of things about the future of my relationship.

Today was amazing. The day, though not unlike others we've shared, stood out so much more than any other. I kind of felt the way I did on March 20, 2004. The first time I laid in your arms... the first time I felt comfort unlike any other before... and that feeling still amazes me.

I have a lot of questions that arise in my mind, all the time. I know he loves me. But I'm a girl. Detail. Feelings. Still the same? Comfort? Do I still make you happy? Do I make you proud? Even after almost 7 months, do you still find the same happiness as once before?

I guess everyone holds questions like that; Questions that have no real answers because they have no real time limitation or frame.

However, just know always -

That tears mean nothing, and sniffles are irrelevant. You make me happier than I've ever known... and for that, you have my heart...

Now, Always, and Forever.

Now, Always, and Forever - I'll be yours.
Cuz I want to wake up next to you every morning, for the rest of my life and know that everything will be alright.

... I look forward to it.

Smile always. You've got the love of an awesome person... me. *insert big cheesie grin*

Cheesequake!
lol- I love you Ryan French.
Thank you for today, every day before it, and every day to come.

Hm...

2004-10-06T18:16:00.000-04:00

Contemplative and deep, lengthy entry to be written after Pre-Calc class...

Hold tight!

Okie doke-
Decided to start over new -
New school, new agreements with parents, new outlooks, new friends, new outlook on relationship (not really, but kinda), new a lotta things - - - - -

So a few random things to end off one 'chapter' so to speak, and to start anew-

I love you Ryan French. Juvenile, yes- but i'll not defend nor justify.. well & long forgotten, far from forgiven but eh. Life goes on. To all the RPHS friends whom I don't see/talk to any longer - good luck in life. Yes I mean it sincerely. Still not sure if I want to be a doctor or not, but I'm slowly doing some research. Miss Ryan. Ankle slowly heals.

Good personal news. Good news about Ryan's poor finger. No classes, all work for 6 hours tomorrow. Get to see Ryan on Sunday. No real strenuous work for classes due this week. I'm sane.

Yes. Haena Cho, for once - disregarding all the horrid PMS and all the horrid shit that comes with it - is happy... this week... for now anyway... we'll see.

The Reason

2004-09-24T18:43:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Hoobastank]The Reason

I hate school. I hate people at my school. I hate having obligations to keep and uphold. I hate waking up every morning to drag myself to class. I hate a lot of things about my life. But if there's one thing I could say... is that I look forward to getting to bed on Friday nights and waking up on Saturday mornings. I look forward to that one moment every week where I get to see your face for the first time after missing it so soo much and see the reason for why I do anything that I do. I look foward to that first hug of the weekend where you hold me just tight enough to make every other day disappear. I look forward to each time I see you out of the corners of my eyes, each time you smile at me, each moment you spend with me, and every breath you take with me. I look forward to everything that makes you who you are and who you are to me. Cuz you're everything worthwhile, everything worth anything, and everything I could ever imagine and ask for. You're my reason to keep waking up day after day for a week - just so I can see you for a few hours... and I don't know who or where I'd be without you. It's already Friday, but it feels like an eternity without you. Miss you. Love you. My Ryan French, I look forward to a lot of things with you - but for now, I look forward to tomorrow.
----------------------

Got that Office Job for the RU Sports Youth Council thing. 11 hours a week, 7.50 an hour.
I look forward to it. Yay. Income!

Birthday boy...

2004-09-15T00:11:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Incubus]I Wish You Were Here

Happy Birthday to my one and only, my best, my everything and my all - Ryan French!
Happy 21st sweetie.

Wish I could spend even a little bit of time with you... and I am so sorry that I can't. =\ *sigh*
Horrible me.

However -
Happiest birthday to you. Hope you have a great day sweetie. You deserve it.

I love you lots.
You've got my heart, mind, body and soul now - always - and forever. =)
What a wonderful boyfriend you are!
I'm so glad you're in my life... cuz you're the best part about it.

I'll leave it at that. All the really mushy heartfelt stuff is saved up for this weekend. =)
Can't wait to see you... *happy sigh*

Love you shmoop. Love you soo soo much.

[will update daily events whenever I feel like it afterwards... till then... ta!]

The day...

2004-09-12T00:35:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [311]Love Song

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am whole again

However far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will
always love you
Whatever words I say, I will always love you
I will always love you

Adam's funeral was today. I'm glad I didn't go. I would've lost my mind. Haena Cho + coming to the realization that someone who meant something in my life is GONE = temporary loss of mental stability. I used to hang out with Adam, Shawn, Nayemul, and LeAsh after school. We had a little clique. It was cute, it was fun. I remember gettin LeAsh and Adam together and then walkin them through their breakup. I remember makin fun of Adam about always bein quiet and soft spoken. Time moves on and life changes. It's so wierd. Guys. Always wear a seatbelt, ok? It just might be the difference between life and death.

As far as today... I spent it with Ryan.
His parents came to pick me up which was really, really sweet of them. I really appreciate that because I'm sure the hour and a half drive each way was definately an inconvenience for them. They really are two of the sweetest people I have ever met. No wonder I have such an awesome boyfriend.

Spent most of the day loafing around with Ryan in his room watchin movies. I fell asleep for a while because of the lack of sleep from the night before due to the bad news (above). My poor baby with his hand all bandaged up, on pain meds and stuff.

It was nice to be with him. It was the best, absolute best part of my week. There's a lot that makes me happy and comfortable when I'm with Ryan - and it's always the little things. Way he holds my hand, or the small little kisses I get, or the way he plays with my hair... random things make my universe calm down and everything is okay again.

And sometimes, you look at someone and you see the one person who can fix the biggest wound without doing a thing at all. Waking up in his arms is always the best and I could never ask for anyone other than my sweetie.

Otherwise, going back to my dorm tomorrow. My room better not have had a single thing moved or I'm going to make someone's life HELL.

Already missing my baby.
Feel better hon.
I love you immensely, before - now - and always will.

Life in that General Sense of the word...

2004-09-08T22:37:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [U2]Everlasting Love

From the very start
Open up your heart
Feel the love you've got
Everlasting love

This love will last forever
This love will last forever

When love's river flows
No one really knows
'til someone's there to show the
Way to lasting love

Like the sun it shines
Endlessly it shines
You always will be mine
Eternal love

Whatever love went wrong
Ours would still be strong
We'd have our own
Everlasting love

Mini-Update I suppose:
One acronym to explain much - P.M.S. *bows* Thank you, Thank you.

Home:
Goin home this weekend, will be spending my Saturday with Ryan though. =) Shit with parents not straightened out, we're all ignoring it until the time comes and shit hits the fan.

School:
My professors are so odd. lol- It's funny noticing all of these quirks. However, due to the lecture sizes and whatnot, I can't exactly make fun of the professors like I did B-Tags and whatnot. It's cute though. I miss high school. I hope I'll be back in LF early enough to catch the last few hours of the school day so I can visit the teachers, express vast amounts of gratitude and tell them all how much I miss them. Perhaps leave a little insight to this year's seniors. WARN THEM TO DO WELL ON AP'S! lol- Homework has been a bitch to deal with, but eh. That's what school is all about, isn't it?

Ryan:
Almost 6 Months. =)
3 Days until 6 Months from our first conversation. 11 Days until 6 Months from our first little mall-outing. 12 Days until our official Half year mark. =)
I'm still so in love with him, if not more than before.
Sometimes, you look at someone and... "just know". I really would sacrifice it all if I truely had to, for him. I've never felt more comfortable with someone than him, so it's soo soo nice to just spend time with him. So fulfilling. Here's to half a year, and hopefully many, many more 'monthaversaries' and 'anniversaries' to come. Time will tell, hm?
You know that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy. The only thing in focus is you and that person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this gift. And you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it'll go away all at the same time.
I couldn't have asked for anyone better to spend my days with, because he is my idea of perfection. *smile*
Baby, your meese loves you always and fully.

Life:
It's a bitch. What can I say? =P

And I Thought High School was ROUGH...

2004-09-05T00:25:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Evanescence]Going Under

So the question of the evening, weekend and perhaps month has been and is: "How far will you go for love?"

That is, not just any love. A relationship you put so much faith and trust in, are many times afraid of, and several times unsure of... how far would I go? Who will I choose?

... That is, if I have to choose.

I'm only 18. Eighteen.
A freshman in college. A FIRST YEAR.
Fresh-fucking-meat.

However, I feel like I'm 50. Yet, I'm more than willing to admit that I don't know the real world yet. I don't know any of it at all yet. Am I ready for it?

This weekend was supposed to be deleriously great. It was supposed to be a mini-mini vacation with Ryan away from home and school. 4 Days with the person I love. It is now proving to be one of the hardest weekends of my life. Toiling upon my emotions and pain for my head. I just want to be back in the dorm right now. Yes, I'm at home. Long story.

Should they not accept him for any reason, most likely stupid to say the least... I fall into the middle of a fork in the road of my life. Will I choose my family or will I choose my heart?

Pro's and cons with either choice. And I don't want to lie saying he and I are no longer, when we still are. I'd rather make that choice then, than have to hide someone so valued. But again... pros and cons. It's tearing up my heart.

I love my daddy. I'm a little Korean Princess. I was raised a spoiled brat and I still am. I pout when I don't get things my way and I'm disappointed when things don't go the way I expect them to - and as such, I'm a bitch. My daddy was always there for me to give me the extra things that many, many others would only dream of. New college laptop? A brand new middle-school computer? Designer clothes, expensive shoes, a nice shiney car... ? Daddy's little girl. Never had much of a conversational relationship, but a quiet understanding. When I look at my daddy, I see all the sacrifices he's made for me so I could have the stupidest things. I see home. I know my daddy loves me because I'm his daughter - his own flesh and blood.

I love my baby. I'm a little Korean-American Princess. My Ryan J. French continues to spoil me, though he shouldn't. He sees to it that I do what needs to be done and offers comfort when things don't go the way I expect them to. He wakes up to answer a phone late at night and drives long distances so we can spend time together. Ryan's lil shmoopzilla... cupietie. when I look at my baby, I see all the things he makes me feel. Comfort, love, happiness and a sense of being me - many times retarded, loud and odd. I also fear him the most because he offers so much sustentance to my heart. He makes it go the extra "lup-dup". And sadly, six months in - and I see a future in him. I see someone I want to wake up to every morning... someone I want to fight with and argue with and then make up with and hold and hug and be there with. I see home. But... that's just me. Shit like that takes 2. I believe my baby loves me, because I trust his words and actions wholeheartedly - regardless of fears and thoughts I have.

And if I still did the church thing, I'd pray to God that I could have both without trouble. I suppose this isn't the case if all doesn't fly right within the next month.

I know what my decision is right now. I knew my decision from when it was first brought up to me. After having thought about it deeply, my decision has not changed. You may or may not know the decision and you may or may not ever know because perhaps... just perhaps, I may not have to choose a road. I just may have the luck where both paths follow down the same way - together. Because all they have to see is what I see every time I hold him, kiss him, see him and talk to him. The most amazing person in the world.

Obstacles I have to face... it's hard to deal with. I've made my decision already and will follow it through if I must. It'll be hard to deal with, I guarantee myself - but it's the path I've mapped out. Alot of people will NOT agree with it. Maybe some will. Most won't. The best way (for me at least) isn't usually the way everyone believes I should take... and maybe I have to learn things the hard way.

But it's my choice. It's been made.

I know how far my river runs, how deep it flows - where it turns and where it goes.
I'm doing what's good for me. I think that's all that matters.

How far will I go for love?
... if you know me, you know my answer.
Why? Because I'm just that type of person and they just mean that much to me.

Here's in good hopes that life turns out fine.

If worst comes to worst?... worst comes to worst. I'm strong enough. I can survive.

argh... saturday...

2004-08-20T16:55:00.000-04:00

... comes so slowly. Fridays are almost excruciating.

Happy 5 Months to my Ghostbuster.
Time flies.

I get to spend a day with Ryan tomorrow so yes, I'm happy.

Mom and I- still war-ing but we have sporadic bits of talk.

I miss my bf. lol-

Almost out of work... just one final hour.

COWS!

2004-08-08T19:06:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Ryan Cabrera]On The Way Down

Spent yesterday with Ryan French, my shmoop. Went to NJ State Fair/Sussex County Farm and Horse Show. It was fun. Well, I usually do enjoy spending time with Ryan doing... whatever. Apart from the car sickness I felt. Of course, I bought a new tee-shirt. lol- It's bright red and says... "If you LICK IT, they will COME." lol- Got a mix of looks from people goin from "haha! look at her shirt!" to "how could that girl wear something like that?!" lol- Made for a great introduction to one of the fair's game people-dudes. lol- He was so nice... kept hitting on my boyfriend though. lol- All in good fun. Got a bunch of stuffed animals. Had my boyfriend spend a ridiculous amount of money on a picture banner thingy which I still feel bad about. lol- I don't sit right when people spend a bunch of money on something for me. So I'm gonna have to figure out how to get back for that. I come out so bad in a lot of pictures... =\ Oh well.

Essentially, that was it.
I had fun. Just really tired.
Oh. I saw cows. lol- Big cute cows.

Oh. No. Best part of the evening was the car ride home. :)
Ryan sings well... *blush* *melty melt*

Getting a new phone tomorrow with Verizon so I gotta call a bunch of people to give them the new number. Oy. lol- Gonna visit Joytell at work if I have time.

Apart from that, yeah- still PMS-ing.
Every few hours, I feel like I'm going to start crying from like 6 different reasons ranging from shit with Ryan, shit with Mom or just random shit. lol- I'm just in a good mood for the time being.

Survey-

2004-08-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

9 things i want to do before i die:
[ travel through europe ]
[ visit greece ]
[ visit australia ]
[ get married ]
[ have a family ]
[ be successful in whatever i decide to do ]
[ go on a hot air balloon ride ]
[ see everyone in my family altogether in one place ]
[ spend a week during the winter in a semi-secluded cabin with someone i love ]

8 things im wearing:
[ black pants ]
[ a tee-shirt ]
[ bra ]
[ underwear ]
[ hairbands ]
[ earrings ]
[ a bandana (cleaning) ]
[ dust ]

7 things on my mind:
[ I'm tired ]
[ Can't wait to goto college ]
[ I miss Ryan ]
[ I'm so fat ]
[ I hate PMS ]
[ I should be cleaning my room ]
[ I don't feel peachy ]

6 items i touch everyday:
[ my tooth brush ]
[ my cell phone ]
[ my ry-bear ]
[ my cup ]
[ my keyboard ]
[ my cd-player ]

5 things i do everyday:
[ check my e-mail ]
[ talk on AIM ]
[ talk on the phone ]
[ eat ]
[ sleep ]

4 songs on my mind:
[ Ryan Cabrera - True ]
[ Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit ]
[ TLC - Pretty ]
[ Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken ]

3 things i think of when i wake up:
[ hm? ]
[ what time is it? ]
[ sleepy... ]

2 of my favorite foods:
[ chicken ]
[ shrimp ]

1 person i love more than any other:
[ ryan french. ]

Korean Soap Operas

2004-08-05T00:07:00.000-04:00

korean soap operas were created in the 13th century by Satan himself to destroy the korean male. how do i know this? look at the state of the korean male population these days. most of them are beyond metrosexual. they giggle and cover their mouths. they can't handle beef. they pick at sandwiches and place the bits in their mouth, not actually taking a bite. they look like the guy on the dvd cover. they have a genetic mutation that causes their testes to secret estrogen. they should be called esticles for their secretion of estrogen. there should be no "my sassy girl". it should be "if you give me sass again im either cutting your credit card or giving you a sassy kick to the back. now shut up and stop breathing. you're taking up my airspace. and please dont be an organ donor. i dont want any part of you living on. ever." the sequal should be "my sassy girl 2: guess who's wearing the ovaries".

DID YOU KNOW?
-that trees are used to make paper?
-that gelatin is contained in altoids?
-that satan and his dark minions are busy in HELL creating the next hip soap opera for korean males to giggle over while doodling in their bluebear and morning glory notebooks?
-or another 13 year old pop idol for korean kids to follow that has had more plastic surgery done on her face than on just ONE of pamela lee's boobs?
-or that every time you watch a korean soap opera, a mother duck watches one of her baby ducks get run over?
-or that satan laughs a grizzly laugh knowing that a large portion of your soul is being placed directly in his hand every time you go to k-video or seoul market and return with a bag full of tapes?
-that before every korean pop music show or tv, the cast circles together back stage and kills a goat, wears its horns, drinks its blood, and scream "satan, may the flesh of this goat appease you as we continue your dark world and corrupt the youth?"
- that SBS, MBS, all the korean record labels and marilyn manson have joined a pack to create Satanpalooza 2005 in which they will lure you into joining their evil, druid and wiccan practices and will force you to wear the mark of the beast on your forehead and hands?
- that if you play the introduction to "namja set, yuja set" backwards, you can hear the murdering of kitten as the cast screams "the third reich begins here!"

its true. trust me. its true.

blargh.
maybe it's pre-PMS or something
but jesus christ i feel gross and fat.
it sucks so much. ever so fat. and the scale downstairs is broken.
i'm so gross.
food and korean soap operas are the fuckin devil.

CHEESEQUAKE!

2004-07-31T22:37:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Movie Theme]Ghostbusters

Another short but simple entry... due to extreme, extreme tiredness.

First and foremost, here's in good hopes that Ryan gets home fine without some shmuck driving like a cunt around him. *crosses fingers*

Went to Red Bank again. Saw Mister Walt-I have some disgruntled emotional issues-Flanagan. Went by around Monmouth Mall - I really like that mall! lol- Drove around Red Bank, Monmouth and wherever else in search of QuickStop & RST. Found it, picture took, Ryan got his tea from QuickStop and we went in search of the NJ Turnpike. (lol) Drove back to his house for an hour. Best hour out of the day, in my opinion. Not that my time spent with Ryan wasn't fun- however, there's something very very nice about just plopping down with the one person you could ever want to be with while you're both tired and just cuddling about with each other. That, and I'm a very cuddle-loving person. I like cuddling very very much. Regardless of what the temperature is, though I do have my temperature limits cuz I don't like being sweaty and stuff, I like cuddling. Which is actually more-so why I like winter time. It's prime cuddle season!

Ah well. K. Time to sleep. Few words to end the day?
CHEEEEESEQUAKE
FWIP
*Gizmo Whistle*
CLUCK-U
"That a guy or a girl? That's a guy... NOOOOOO! You're KIDDING ME!"

I love you so much Ryan.

Tired

2004-07-30T21:58:00.000-04:00

Current Song: [Avril Lavigne]Why

Really freakin tired so I'm going to make this short and simple... albeit, rarely anything I do is ever short or simple. *smirk*

Considering the incredibally retarded week I've had, today was a very good day. No creepy dudes. No yelling. No bullshit. No drunken people. Just simply spent the day with Ryan doing simple things- watch a movie, cuddle and play a game... which- can have the biggest impact and be some of the best things about my relationship with him. I enjoy his company more so than the activies that are ensued. I feel very much at peace when he and I are just doing simple things, lounging around being lazy as hell and I'm simply just spending time in his arms. It's comforting. And today... today just had a really sweet... emotion or feeling in the air which I really liked. I was, essentially, at my most comfortable today. I really do have to add though, his parents are freakin adorable. lol- They took us out to dinner, which was sweet. But again, the company. They're just awesome to talk to or sit and listen to for random conversation merely because they laugh and joke around and have fun with situations and stuff rather than do shit my parents do and complain, nit-pick, get all pissy and essentially just bitch about everything. Sadly enough, I do enjoy talking to his parents. lol- SUE ME. =P

So yeah, all in all... good day. Hopefully, another one just like it tomorrow.

I'm a happy camper and I am doubtlessly in love with my, extremely patronizing and "mean" - but amazing boyfriend.

I'll get more into the psycho-babble I've come up with during this week when I'm not so wiped. lol- Night.

4 Months : 123 Days : 2952 Hours : 177120 Minutes

2004-07-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

*July 20, 2004*
Current Song (lyrics below): [Maroon 5]Sweetest Goodbye

I'll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind...
... How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how I feel

Most satisfying 4 months lived out in my life thus far. I have been with Ryan French for 4 months. Full of a good share of memories, both good and bad... many many good, though. More times have I felt red in the face, warm and fuzzy, had butterflies in my stomach, and felt at peace and justified within his arms - than ever before.

Entered this relationship as a changed person from mere months before, I knew what I had wanted and sought after - and as luck would have it, I was granted with the honor and absolute pleasure of finding someone as astounding as he so quickly in my life... and I am thankful for this, each day of my life from the moment I wake up to when I sleep. Yes, even during those many, many toilsome times when I sit at home watching a movie or listening to music freaking out and driving myself insane because I have more than enough fears to fill the Grand Canyon about him by over analyzing words said or typed or unsaid or untyped or expressed or not expressed. Still do, but I survive... somehow... amazingly.
A lot of people have said that certain aspects of my relationship were moved into quickly, while others have let me follow my own path, faithfully. "To each her own." I hold no regret to the path I've chosen, have never regretted it, and still continue to follow my choices to this day and each day after.

To my ex's, albeit you may never see this-
Words were said, moments were shared. I don't deny this.
However, though I may never say these words to you directly-
I was a very different, naive child then. Almost every relationship occured due to some absolute need to be "loved" and feel needed because I didn't feel like I was enough and a relationship would offer me justification. Others, I shared moments with because of convenience. I grew up and came to my own conclusions and ideas of what I wanted. I came to terms with myself and in turn, was granted freedom - away from you. I am now, more than happy with who I have ultimately become... a bitter, resentful, self-absorbed, scared, highly insecure yet proud, freakin bitch - and no relationship can deter me from this concept. In addition to this? I realize - that none of you have been worth my tears. But thank you for giving me the lessons I needed to learn.

To my current... I have no clue if you'll read this or not (let me know if ya do), but at the risk of sounding like an obsessive, retarded ASS... *sigh* here goes:
I was going to title this little sub-section of my entry as "To my future"... but I have no clue what's in store for me, you... us. Do you?
Hopefully, a long and meaningful... extremely fruitful future full of good times, warm memories, shared moments, and lots of laughs. I do sincerely believe we still have a lot of stuff to work on, figure out, and come to terms with - but when they occur or come about. Take care of things in moderation- however, not to wait too long and hold back on them because repression and holding things back will only blow up later on.
I'm not trying to impose a bitch-fest here.
I acknowledge, deeply what you've done for me... and to me.
I met the persona of Ryan French on March 11, 2004... whereas I sent you a hello. (booya) I took my chance. Both the wink and the messege. Yes, I hold it against you as leverage for myself. [insert crazy, insane, maniacal laughter here] The first night we talked, I wanted to be your happiness. The second night, I wanted to be in your life. The third night, I wanted to be the one who would take the nightmares away, and make you smile and laugh. Somewhere between the second and third night- I wanted you to be the last risk or leap of faith I took. I started falling in love with you. And so I came face to face with these emotions, a fear, and my own pride on March 19, 2004. I cut school for you. (lol- no one noticed, and it was entirely worth it) I saw you smile and died a million times over. And I was in love. Bickity Bam. I spent March 20, 2004 with you... and have never wanted to leave your side since then, the best day of my entire life.

Thank you for you... the epitome of everything I have ever wanted in another human being.
Regardless of how insane you make me drive myself sometimes, I love you more than words could express, more than emotion could feel, and more than you will ever, ever know. Maybe one day, I'll find the courage to sit you down and tell you everything that runs through my mind about you... All of the good, maybe some of the not so good. You should be able to tell how much of a wuss I am when it comes to bearing some pretty hefty information.

However, you have made each day - good and bad - worth it.
Thank you for the past 4 months, the past 123 days, the past 2952 hours, the past 177120 minutes that you have existed as my own, my love, the reason I smile, the reason to get better when I'm sick, and as the person who has found happiness through me. I'm glad I could be there for you. And for that- you have my heart, mind, body and soul - wholly, entirely, doubtlessly and faithfully.
Remember that. You will always come first in my life and you already do. And baby, I'm so sorry if I can't give you everything you could ever wish for- moon, stars, the whole shebang. I'm trying my best though. I really am- and I hope you believe me when I say that.
Trust me. Have faith in me. That's love. I could never come to hurt you.
I hope one day, maybe today or tomorrow or whenever... You realize that you can trust me, have absolute faith in me and see that you are indeed, my everything and all. You compliment who I am, and in turn... complete me.
Nothing could change that. I'm not like anyone else.
All I ask is for the same emotion, trust, faith, effort and love from you.

I love you.
... always will.

- - - - - - -

Dizzy again and very tired.
I'm done for the night.
Good night.

Sincerely: Haena 'CHO' Cho

Asians eat sticks...?

2004-07-11T21:22:00.000-04:00

Current Song(lyrics on bottom): [Gavin DeGraw]More Than Anyone

Look in my eyes
What do you see
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me your need and I will try
I will try

I'm gonna love you more than anyone
I'm gonna hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body be free, I'll be free for you anytime
I'm gonna love you more than anyone

Spent my Saturday with my one and only. It was good. We went to Red Bank to hit up the Secret Stash. I loved the Bluntman & Chronic display they had in the back of the store. Smaller than I expected but none-the-less, awesome. We met Walter Flanagan(FanBoy)- without realizing it. His words as I paid for Heather's birthday gift? "Oh, Kevin Smith... *sigh* he's drreeaaammmyyy..." lol- Awesome. We roamed a bit there, then visited RST Video/Quick Stop (from Clerks). Wanted to play hockey on the roof. lol- :D

Ryan got me an autographed 'An Evening With Kevin Smith' DVD set. (Thank you for that and the desk set, again) Which we were watching on the way back to his house and then to my house. It's hilarious watching Silent Bob just go on about the origin of "Snoogins", Jason Mewes walking into a Rec Center to fellate anything phallic, up to hearing about how he cut his dick open during the first time he and his (to be) wife got intimate and about the documentary he shot for Prince. Kevin Smith is awesome. :) Ryan got the infamous Mooby Hat and FanBoy's jersey.

Note: Ryan looks adorable in the ViewAskew hockey jersey (Red/White Jersey worn by FanBoy)

See? :) With the color-matching OCC hat. Hottie, right? My boyfriend. lol- Oh, possessive, I am. *hiss* lol-

Afterwards, went to Ryan's house for a few hours until I had to get back home and I got my always-favorite, always-awesome moments of cuddliness where we're just layin around and I get to just hold him and be held... which are the most favorite moments of ... like ... my life. lol- :) I love my baby. Yeah, I'm a sap- but I'm an honest sap. I don't fuck around about that. [insert olivia newton john's line: hopelessly devoooteeddd to yooouuuu...]

So, I find that I am not 100% healthy. Woke up this morning feeling a bit groggy, but nothing bad. Try to talk? PEEP. Nothing comprehensive comes out. It's a series of peeps, squeeks, and wierd breaths. The talking got a bit better, I can squeek out stuff. However, I can't seem to breathe very well and I'm coughing - which in turn is making my head hurt. I should be okay soon though. The throat is just irritating me.

Other than all of this... Can't wait to see Ryan again and drop off Heather's gift- which was held by Walter Flanagan: BIOTCH! lol- And yeah. I think I know what I'm doing this summer. I'm going to mellow out and just spend my time with the shmoop, the few friends I'm bothering to talk to after high school, and just... relax. Be me. You know? Be in love. Be a pre-college student. Just be... me. :)

Just a little P.S. to tack on because I have nothing more to really say...
As much as ... the whole fucking UNIVERSE knows that I am completely, retardedly, wholly infatuated and in love with this kid- Ryan French... As in, MY Ryan French. lol- The one in Stillwater, NJ. Yadda-yadda. He's tall, hot, mesmerizing smile... You know... awesome personality? Yeah. That one! Yeah- Just... I love him, a lot with all my heart and all of that cliche' mushy stuff. But apart from the cliche' things to say- the shit that everyone probably says to express some sort of emotion or another- I feel for him ... just an amazing array of emotions that go from the deepest fears to the most amazing and warm kind of love possible. It astounds me sometimes, just how much he can move me to just... feel. And just... just the things that I hope for, or wish for... you know? I don't know. I'm digging myself a hole here. lol- But yeah.

Baby, I love you... From head to toe. My heart is yours, yours alone. :) What did you do to me? :)

Good Night everyone! Hope for my esophagal recovery... or send soup. lol- Hm, yeah- I could use soup. I want soup.

lol- Such a dork, I am.

A Little Personal Religious Insight.

2004-07-09T00:05:00.001-04:00

Current Song: [Gavin DeGraw]Chariot

Yep. Still hung on Gavin DeGraw music regardless of the whine-factor. =D Fun music to kind of mellow out to and sit around and sing with. =D

First and foremost: Happiest 18th to Heather the Montague - the Mont', my Bilbo. You're half an adult! Welcome to the land of legal clubs, strip clubs, porn, lottery tickets, and cigarettes (which I'm more than sure you're ecstatic over, seeing as how I don't need to buy 'em for ya whenever we go out anymore). Next stop? 21. Don't forget me by then. I'll have a kick ass party set up for you with yes, both your favorite men in the world: Johnny and Jack. hahaha...

I have some interesting news that has stirred up pertaining to my life. I'll not disclose until I tell Ryan, so he doesn't find out without my knowing his direct reaction. lol- I've been dying with laughter this evening after having broken the news to Tim, Jeena, and Heather.

14 dollars to mail 8 pieces of paper- Express. *shew* I hate money. lol- Money is ridiculous. Stillll waitin for any of the previously mentioned 3 stores to call me back. *taps foot* I don't have all summer, y'know! lol- I just need something valid to do with my time is all. Money isn't even an issue right now, with me at least. Just wait till I get to college. I'm not working weekends. That's my rule. So for workstudy and whatever side job I end up landing, no weekends. Weekends are preserved for those rare trips home to assure my mom I'm not getting hammered or high off my ass, and for the more frequent trips to spend quality, wonderful time with my dork.

So, interestingly enough I decided to sneak a peek into Xanga and read up on some people's weblogs on there. My first little peek was into the Xanga's of several people from my current church. I don't talk to them or even associate myself with them. I go. I sit. I leave as soon as humanly possible. All throughout, I make as little human socialization, interaction, and association as possible. That is my Sunday. Quite proud of my elusive little self. =D However, I realize how BLATANTLY pathetic these KIDS are. And I use this terminology loosely. Albeit, they're probably a mere year younger than myself, it's like we're on completely different plateu's of civilization.

Kids, raised in the "dirrrttyyy" SUBURBS of NEW JERSEY... most of which have spent the vast entirety of their lives in nice little apartment houses and condos with their parent(s). It's gross. I have nothing against people listening to hip-hop, my own boyfriend has his own hip-hop CDs/burned CDs and I mean, I love him beyond emotion. Hell, I have hip-hop. I have nothing against how they choose to dress. The 'thug' look works on some kids, not on all... however, I should buy them a mirror and remind them that THEY'RE ASIAN! I mean, hell... I fuck around with the concept that I'm Korean and then joke around about it. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty, I'm proud of being me. Someone needs to show 'em that they're... a few hundred shades too light to be black. I DO have an issue with the slang and ebonics. I always have. I hate slang. I hate ebonics. And anyone who even BREATHES these more recent fads of adding "-izzle" to the end of words and cutting off words short (example: I'm mad hung' yo. // Why you hef'n? // It's mad ug.) receives the dirtiest look that'll send em to hell and make em wish they could stay there. It's ridiculous. But that's not the worst part, though it sometimes feels like it when I'm at the mall listening to "lil homies" walk around talking making me want to claw my eyes and ears out. It's behavior. STOP - ACTING - LIKE - AN - ASS. Hello, children! I don't care how old you are. Cop a clue. You were raised in SUBURBS with all your "kicks" and "threads" handed to you with your mommy's credit card. Newsflash: You are not ghetto. You are not tough shit. You are not 'gangstaaaa'. You're forced to CHURCH every week. Give me a break. You probably still ride a bike and think you're fly. FYI: Riding a bicycle while talking on a cellphone is not cool. Wait until you can drive, and something is WRONG with you when your fake, aluminum rims are worth more than your car. What problems have you gone through- with friends, relationships, and family that would make you so "ghetto"? Grant me one valid issue. PLEASE. Validate your idiocy to me. You can't. How do I know? I SAW half of you when I went to the church years back. You were snot picking geeks. Welcome to reality. "HELLO! McFLYYYY! Ya THERE McFly?!" (quoted from a great movie). If any of you can tell me you've actually been POOR, have had one of your friends DIE in your arms, have been abused physically or mentally to the point of suicidal wishes by an ex, or anything relating to these- I will apologize and buy you lunch. Otherwise: PFFT. Wash up and go shopping.

And no, I'm not being a hypocrite. My parents, financially (while I was younger at least) took care of me to the best of their ability. I admit to it wholly. I've expressed my gratitude for it. I, however, wasn't handed everything to me easily. I've had more than enough issues with friends, relationships (jesus mother of god... *groan*), and family. And yet, I don't act like I'm 'hardcore'. I don't think I'm 'gangsta'. I don't behave like a disrespectful ASS.

Now on to the church factor. You all go to church, you pathetic little shit fuckers. (I'm bitter right about now, just thinking about these kids. haha) You all sit in service like you're holy and so God loving with the singing, and the notetaking, and the Bible-toting. Albeit, I'm one of the worst Christians. Hell, I'm not even fully 'Christian'. I'm fucking half AGNOSTIC. I'm my own religion. Here's the thing: I know what's held within the boundaries of Christianity though. How? I took the time to figure out what the hell I was following and putting faith into. I read the Bible, shocking isn't it? I STARTED THE FUCKING CHRISTIAN CLUB and lead an entire group of people at the See You @ The Pole prayer group shit at school. (big mistakes... oof) I smoked. =D Newports, mind you. I stopped. I have hepatitis. I don't want to die 10 years before some higher power thinks I should. =D I want to be in LOVE, married, have children, watch them grow up and have little tots of their own, and then die knowing I was loved. But that's on a completely different tangent that I'm goin off on. You little wanna-be Christians. That's what I can't stand. WANNA-BEs. People who just can't... BE. They wanna-be. First off, you KIDS act retarded. Some of you speak retarded. "Ayo, dat was so fuckin' off da hizzle!" ... fuck you. lol- You can't dress yourselves in normal clothing it seems. Yet you waft your asses into church every Sunday because your mommy wants you to, or because you have friends there- and that's what church is to you. Social hour. (Oh, and it's not just kids who do THIS. I know more than my share of dumb Korean men and women who do it too... *cough*MOM.and.her.group.of.friends*cough* - cause nothing but fucking drama, make us change churches every 6-fucking-months) I hate people sometimes. lol... God, I do. I'm really laughing here, btw. lol- And seriously, either choose church or don't. Choose church: STOP SMOKING. You wanna be a little Christian God-Child and whatnot? You're breaking God's little "no puff" rule, body is a temple... yadda yadda, and so you're desecrating it. That and y'all probably think you're all cool and whatnot because you're grossly underage and smoke: Eh, no. Wanna smoke? Stop this "I'm a good little God loving boy" bullshit.

But seriously... lol- Cop a clue little kiddies. You guys are ruining a faith. After studying European history, I realize- Religion wasn't as retarded as it's become. People like fuckin John Calvin and Martin Luther (not the African American Rights Activist) (i considered becoming a Lutheran for a while, passed.) are awesome and know where their faith lies- which is great. They followed it as it should've been followed by their guidelines. You turds, however, are full of shit... and chances are, much to my misfortune, you won't read this in your lifetime. *shakes head* Sad.

Welcome to Reality. You're going to hell. *big toothy grin*

Me? Fuck if I know where I'm goin. I'm takin my old, wrinkly, sexy little old man of a husband (when I get old and we both end up dead) and we're hittin up the after-death hot spots to relax and surf and exist as after-death entities eatin Smores and whatnot. It'll be a good way to spend eternity. =) Here's hoping the life that precedes it is just as good. ^_^

Everyone wants love... joy... to trust... faith... happiness. Most of us, we're still lookin for it.

Just needed to get that out. I should be a teacher and mold the minds of the youth. Hell, I should just become a world dictator. hahahaha... naaaaaaaah. =)

I miss Ryan. =P I'm such a... girl. lol- *shrug* Just wanna hold him. Ah well...

How was your day today?

2004-07-08T01:07:00.000-04:00

Current Song/s: [Gavin DeGraw]Follow Through/Chariot

Woke up and laid in bed to contemplate whether or not I should drive up and suprise Ryan. I did. Never did it before. Never even drove to see a boyfriend before. But I did. And well... So much for the suprise factor. lol- He called early because he came home earlier than I had expected. Ah well. Got pulled aside on I-80w because I was speeding. Did a little 'southern accent' thing and got out of it. *content and pleased smile* But I shouldn't be speeding, so no more speeding. I really shouldn't. Spent a good hour and 30 minutes or so with Ryan and drove home. About a 2.5 hour drive to spend a little time with Ryan is always worth it. Woulda done it for even 1 hour. :)

I had wanted to see him, so I did. It was pleasant and I'm happy.

Came home to tell a few friends about what happened with the cop, put my laundry away, read a little more of the third book I've been reading, and watch a little TV with the brother.

I was catching up on "The Ultimate Love Test" on channel 7. It's funny. Of the 3 couples, 2 females and 1 male were sent off to paradise to test the strength of their relationships. If they went through the whole test and yadda yadda, they got 100,000 dollars which is awesome. Here's what struck me in awe though. It's a common conception that men cheat on women and yadda.. their hearts don't commit as much so they're more willing to find a better opportunity at times, etc etc. Of the 3, the male is the one who said "I'm not going to go through with the rest of this test. Screw the $100,000. Screw the 3 gorgeous ladies whom I've spent quite a long time with in a veritable paradise. I'm going back to my girlfriend. I know I've hurt her a lot and I'm going to go back and am going to do whatever it is in my power to mend things." These 3 chicks were fly, honestly. One of them could fix up her eyebrows, but they had the bodies and everything. He gave it up. The 2 females, on the otherhand were very shifty about their emotions. They were totally connecting with these new paradise induced men. I was in awe. The guy went back to his girlfriend who was pissed off like a mother... But they decided to mend things and try to make it all work. Ya know what? She's one of the luckiest women, in my opinion. Her boyfriend had the opportunity to leave her and be with any of those 3 gorgeous women, especially since she didn't look all too hot (hehe)... but he didn't. He spent the time, did the flirting, no kissing or intimate sex stuff, massaging and lap sitting and shit- but in the end he went back to his girlfriend... decided she was worth more than all the money and just wanted to make things right. I have never in my life, ever witnessed or thought that it was EVER POSSIBLE to have a man love someone that much that he willingly turned down his dream women for the one he's already professed his love to. That's proof of it right there. Good goin man. Good job. :) Whoever says that women are the better sex was WRONG! hahaha... It's true. The other 2 ladies, while they were both off galavanting in paradise with their new interests... their guys at home, both hurt at what's happened... have both promised to make some big changes and have worked towards those changes. Men: 3 points. Women: 1 (the good guy's girlfriend back home). Tsk tsk...

I loved that part of the show. The talks between that one couple. The girlfriend back home said something that caught my attention though, to him. And you could tell, it made him think. (Unless everything was acted out.) She was all, "You... you hugged them. You touched them. You caressed them. You massaged... they sat on your lap. Stuff like that. Stuff you do with me... supposed to only do with me. Stuff that made ME special. When you do that stuff with other women, it doesn't make me special anymore." She used the word 'stuff' a lot, it kind of pissed me off. (lol) I shared her enthusiasm in this, apart from the sickeningly great use of the word 'stuff'. I've always been the scared, jealous type. And I always tried not to be, but I am. I get it from my mom. I realized after she said all of that, that I'm justified as long as I'm not all crazy, cocky, and irrational. She's right. Certain things, memories/pictures/gifts/etc... have always bothered me upon sight or mention... and I've almost NEVER said anything about them or my reactions. I usually laugh lightly or immediately look just away and end up making myself think of bunny rabbits or something completely off the wall. lol- And after having discussed this with 2 of my guy friends, evidently I'm some kind of like, detached wierdo-emotional-freak because no one shares my concept, but I don't need them to. =P lol- Regardless... lol- But... I mean, Okay. I suppose I've done it too and from hence forward, I'm not going to even bring these things up... but in my defense, I have kept nothing of my ex's (especially not gifts, pictures, and anything written) and I don't bring them up in conversation very often, and when I do- it's to complain or poke fun at them. Ex's are ex's for a reason and shouldn't, honestly, be held on to. Certain things, that occur in the present, make it worthwhile. Ladies, you remember that... whether you're straight, homosexual, bi, or tri *cough-smirk*.

For both girls and boys, cherish the person you're with. If you know something's gonna get to them in the slightest, don't do it. That's where the dude I mentioned in the TV show above, went wrong. He touched seductively, flirted with, and so on- with those 3 girls, even though he did the right thing in the end. And of course, he had to know his girlfriend back home would be pissed. Don't do stupid shit. Don't hold on to the past. Don't compare. Find common ground. Admire them for who they are and that they're with you. They'll appreciate it one night, when the lights are out and they can't sleep and so they stay up thinking, contemplating, and then writing in a journal. lol- Just let go of the past, because that's all it should really be. Cherish them for who they are, not how much better they are than someone else. It's not worth it if you can't do this. Because if you do express things that show you can't let go... imagine how it feels to them to know that they don't hold that much of you as they really should or want to. Especially you guys, (since i'm a girl and don't know how the male gender feels about this) girls are fickle. They're even dumb and stupid when it comes to this. It's more about emotion than thinking about the rationale in the situation. Girls don't like knowing you've said those words, expressed those emotions, held someone else, looked at someone else, and treated someone else the same way you say things, express, hold, look at, and treat them. It makes them feel less... special. I'm sure you guys don't like to know those things either. It's life, yes- and you have to deal with it, yes. But it's better if some things are just unsaid. If there are things that have really made the person you're with STAND OUT, let em know. Do it... Do it NOW. lol- however in your power, just let 'em know ... WITH SINCERITY (little extra emphasis for all you lying piece of fucking shit assholes- yeah, YOU). But yeah... You'll thank me later when your gf/bf is smiling out of sincere appreciation and yes- TRUE happiness. Final words to summarize all of this? Just don't be fuckin retarded. haha... :)

Man... what a simple 10 minutes of television can do to you. *light chuckle*

Tomorrow is my drive to Rutgers to drop off my Financial Aid papers off- late, albeit... but they said I could come by and drop them off. Sooo- here's hoping. *crosses fingers*

And now, time to sleep and rest up for my lonely little drive to RU. Not a happy thing. Today was a good day, granted tomorrow just may not be. Note to self, finish straightening up room and get gas tomorrow before I leave.

Ah well... good night. :)

Blurb from book...

2004-07-06T18:26:00.000-04:00

He leaned across the distance between them and caught her mouth with his own. Her eyes fluttered closed and her lips parted easily as she felt the kiss sizzling through her nerves rendering her thoughts to smoke.
"Um..." Kaye stepped back, a little unsteadily. "Why does that belong to me?"
"That was the kiss I stole from you when you were enchanted," he said patiently.
"Oh... well, what if I didn't want it?"
"You don't?"
"No," she said, letting a grin spread across her face, hoping her mother would take her time on the drive over. "I'd like you to take it back again, please."
"I am your servant," the King of the Unseelie Court said, his lips a moment from her own. "Consider it done."

- - - - - - -

Awesome.

Good way to end a week, or rather - to begin a new one.

2004-07-05T12:50:00.000-04:00

Current Song (lyrics on bottom): [Jennifer Paige]Get To Me

Don't misread the silence
And take my distance as a sign
There's only one heart that's confused
And it's most likely mine
I always make the rules
And I change 'em all the time
Always stayed a step ahead
'til you looked into my eyes
My thoughts are frozen
Can't you hear me screaming inside
As you come closer
Don't know where to run this time

I feel weak, i'm never weak
I always know what to say
Don't look at me, i can't speak
How did you get to me this way?
All I know is what I feel
And what I feel is way too real
Who I am is what you see
Baby how did you ever get to me
Ever get to me, ever get to me?

A little story...

A good year ago, she used to be constantly defensive, always take-charge, never back down, in control, and always making the decisions. Never fessed up to any issues and always found a different concept through common sense and rationale. She always smiled through good and bad, because there was no other emotion to offer other than an empty smile. Each moment in life was just a moment to her, and she treated it as just another moment, a phase of some minutes out of life that passed as easily as it came - whether good or bad. None of it mattered. Waking up the next morning or the next week didn't matter. Events merely occured. People came and went into and out of her life be it by friendship, relationship, birth, or death.

But today, she laid down next to the one person who's moved entire worlds around to her, changed the sequence of the universe. Someone who's made her think and actually contemplate. She laid next to him as his eyes closed and stared in awe, or compassion, or love, or warmth as he lightly laid right there, mere inches away - and she lightly felt his cheek under her fingertips. Part of her wanted to merely touch him, the other part of her wanted to make sure he was real, that everything was real. Within those 15 minutes lying there, she realized how changed she'd been. Each new day was worthwhile. Each day she saw him was another day that she felt a comfort unbounded. He offered her sincere happiness, humor, hope, life and fear. Oh the fear. (lol) Fear she never knew existed; fear that hurt sometimes to even consider. She realized how often she felt confused about it all. Sometimes she wanted to do whatever in her power to express everything he made her feel; sometimes she wanted to become distant and silent because maybe- just maybe, she loved him more than she should. But, she still let herself love him with every aching inch of her. And she realized something. She'd let the little things slip out of her fingers and out of her thoughts. Even though in her mind, he'd always been her first concern, her first thought, her waking thought and restful dream- the little moments, the smallest minutes of life slipped away from him and towards other insignificant things. So she just stared at him and almost teared, not out of sorrow or fear... but out of the concept that he was real and there. He is there. His eyes opened and the walls broke a little more than before, and that much more of her was his. She made a few more promises to herself... things she needed to do.

And the day went on...

- - - - - - -

Uber-tired. Had a pleasant day so now it is time to rest up.

Mm... You...
... You will always be my number one and I will always love you with every inch of me.